Don't just do something--stand there. It was a concept hard for me to wrap my little brain around at first. Stand there? Are you kidding me? I have a type A personality--I can't just do nothing? Or so I thought. That was a long time ago--maybe 15 years or so. I've learned a lot since then, I've learned that I don't have to be all things to all people and that God doesn't need me to do everything--in fact He can pretty much handle things on His own. It took me a while, but I've got it down now. Maybe.
For someone with a high IQ, sometimes I'm a slow learner. Or maybe I just cover my ears. That's probably what I do. Cover my ears. At least I learn though--through my ignorance--I learn. And that is what has happened this time. A learning experience.
I have to admit something, when we moved to Chicagoland a little over a year ago I decided to put myself in a semi retired/vacation/I'm tired of people/I need a break mode. I didn't pray about it. I just did it. I reluctantly moved here--no friends, no family, no kids or grandkids--maybe I was a little ticked off. So, in my heart, I think I was spiritually pouting. I did all the right things--kept going to church, prayed, found a Bible study, basically went through the motions, but all the while deep down inside I was a little mad at God. After all--He was the one who moved me here. So, in retaliation (and everyone knows one should never ever do that) I posted. Not that anyone would have known--I'm a good cover-upper.
As the weeks turned into months, occasionally I would hear that small still voice of God asking me to do some little things. Which I did, as long as He wasn't asking me to do big things. The big things being--counseling of any sort. I wasn't in the mood for facilitating sexual abuse groups, working for rape crisis, volunteering for anything or getting involved. In fact honestly, I was just plain sick of everything and also I was tired of criticism within the church. The least involvement the better as far as I was concerned.
I was symbolically taking my shingle down--the office was closed for business. What I wanted now was to just relax, have fun, meet new interesting people and enjoy life. I had intended to play hooky for as long as God would allow. I really wasn't sure what was going to happen--you see--I've never acted this way before. I felt sort of noncommittal and lazy--and completely selfish.
However, something happened the other day. The wall in my heart began to come down a little and I was face to face with God asking me to do something bigger for Him. There was no longer a don't just do something--stand there mode, no, it was an I have a new plan for you mode. And for the first time since moving here I found that my ears were open, and so was my heart.
I think, no, I know, that He knew all along I needed that break. He let me fiddle fart around for several months and then He once again called out to me. Time for work--He said. And this time I didn't cover my ears. I'm ready. For whatever it is, I am finally ready. My time of resting is over. And He has been patient. Why? I don't know. But, if I were to guess I'd say it's because I'm his daughter and He loves me. That's what I think anyway.
I'm excited to see what's ahead. I have a small idea. I'm pretty sure He's been slowly letting me catch a glimpse all these past months of what's going to be happening in the near future. He's getting me ready for the next phase of my life. He knows I'm up for it. And I am so grateful for His patience and kindness and love and acceptance and forgiveness. I am thankful that He created me and knows me from the inside out. I am beginning to feel that thrill of excitement that builds when you know that you are on the horizon of something new, exciting and fun. A plan--all His and I get to come along!
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