I am failing. I just want you to know that. It's not an everyday failure, but close enough. It's something that I'm struggling with. One day up. The next day, not so much. That's what I want to write about this morning. My failure. My transparency. Why? Because maybe, just maybe you are like me. And, in all my failures, God still loves me, uses me, talks to me in His still small voice, cares for me, teaches me His ways, and is always there for me. Even when I am not--there for Him.
One thing that bothers me so greatly is my personality. I would change it if I could. I drive myself crazy. Why did God make me this way? Why can't I be like someone else? Why am I so broken? Why do I think the very thoughts that I think? Why can't I trust Him more? And so, I pray many, many times per day. I play my worship music to the point that my husband reminds me that there are other types of music.
However, I sometimes find myself getting so sad. How will this all end, how many deaths? Why are people being so cruel? I watch protesters on the news screaming into the faces of police officers with such hatred and venom. I watch others say, hey, let the old people just die off, we need our jobs.
This is what is registering in my mind. Selfishness, greed, hatred, and for those reasons, I am having trouble. I am seeing the human side of humanity. It is frightening. And yet...I kind of get it. Let me explain. If I have a job and I live paycheck to paycheck--I pay rent, daycare, utilities, etc. and then that all goes away, how do I then survive? If I get my job back, but no daycare is provided, what do I do with my children? If I have need of groceries but there are none, and the food banks are empty and everyone is hoarding, where do I land on that? How do I feed my children? And so, protesters, in anger and frustration, take to the streets. I get it.
Here's what I don't get. I have enough money. I don't live that way. I can survive. However, I am not selfish. I am able to donate to food banks. I care about those parents. I hear their cries and frustration. I have great empathy for them. So, I help as much as possible. I pray constantly for them. I pray for their physical, mental, and spiritual health. My heart breaks for them. I am doing all that I can do. And yet, I am failing. I need to do more. I need to stand on my soapbox and shout to the world--help these poor people. And I get so angry. Angry with myself for my selfish thoughts, and angry with others for their selfish deeds.
This COVID 19 virus is a pandemic. It is worldwide. As of this date, in the US alone almost 70,000 people have died. And yet, there are some folks who don't believe that number. If it hasn't touched their lives in some way, they don't care. Just get them back to work, and into restaurants and shops, right now! They are done. The key here is--it hasn't touched their lives. They've not yet lost anyone they know or care about or love. The virus is more of a myth to them. They are hearing opposing views on TV, they are listening to the bias news reports, and don't know who to trust or believe. I get it.
So, this transparency thing of mine. I will tell you this. I am undone. I am angry. I am frustrated with it all. Death, devastation, hunger, selfishness, all of it. I am sick to death of it. Some days I can barely face the day, and other days, when the sun is shining, I can face tomorrow.
This morning while attending church in my jammies, with coffee, and my Bible app, I was reading Eph. 4: 24-32. And bam. It hit me. I am angry. That's what's wrong with me. Full transparency here. I am mad. And yet--there's always an "and yet"-- I am told not to sin. Grrrrr, how do I accomplish that? How can I be so angry (and that's ok) but I can't sin? I can't scream and yell and hit someone, I can't be unbecoming, and I can't let unwholesome things fly out of my mouth. How am I to deal with this conundrum?
This way--according to the Bible, this way...
I am to be real, not fake.
No pretense.
Tell you the truth.
We are all connected.
It's ok that I'm mad.
But I will use my fuel differently.
I won't let the devil win.
I will be honest.
I will help those who can't work.
I'll watch each word that comes out of my mouth.
I will say only what helps.
I will make God happy.
I will be gentle and sensitive.
I will forgive others.
And, in full transparency--I have failed in doing these things. However, today is a new day. Today is a day that God has made. And, I will change, with God's help. I will change.
I will continue to pray, read my Bible every single day, worship Him in song. I will continue to give all that I can, not be selfish, do my part, and continue to try my hardest to please my God.
I am being as transparent as I know how to be. As honest with you as I can be.
Yes, I am angry, I am mad at the world. And then I remember something, a truth in the back of my mind. He has overcome the world. Oh, thank God. Now maybe, just maybe I can face this day.
