I'm not going to lie. I can't swim. So there, I've said it. I did take swimming lessons when I was a little child. And boy, was I ever scared. I hated the water. I hated having my head underwater. I hated that feeling of being left alone, sinking, and something covering my face so that I was unable to breathe. It took a very long time for that instructor to win me over. I found that my faith in her was something that had to be built upon, and so I held on to her two pointer fingers for dear life. It's a very good thing that I was such a small child, or she would have had very sore fingers!
The funny thing is, I've had 3 swimming pools in my many homes as a child and as an adult. I lived in California, so I was surrounded by the ocean, rivers, and lakes. And yet, I couldn't swim. I just couldn't get the hang of it. So, here I was--continuing to hold tightly onto her 2 fingers.
I'd say to my friends--I'm really just a sun worshiper. I'd rather be laying on my towel or on a raft just floating, I just wanted a tan. That's what I'd say away. What I really wanted to say was--I can't swim, please don't push me in the water, I am afraid. I didn't though, I never told anyone. I never admitted that I couldn't do it on my own.
So, why all this stuff about my huge fear of swimming? Well, I felt that same type of fear come upon me last night. You see, we're in the midst of a global pandemic. Country after country is shutting down--restaurants, and businesses are closing right and left. And it's scary. Everything on our news feeds is flat out terrifying. And I was buying into it. Hook, line, and sinker, as my dad used to say.
And then something happened. I prayed. As I laid in bed last night, listening to my husband and the dog snoring oh so peacefully beside me, I prayed. I asked God, in that moment of fear and sadness, to change my attitude and my heart. I'm not one that is usually so fearful, so sad, so despondent, and yet...something had a hold of my emotions. Generally, I am an upbeat person, a "God has this" type of person and a true optimist. Not last night though. Last night, I wasn't. Last night I was afraid. I was different, and I could feel it deep inside me, eroding all that I had true knowledge of. I found my trust in God slipping away. And so, I prayed and then fell asleep.
I woke up this morning, momentarily forgetting all that. We drank our coffee, watched the Today Show, checked our social media feeds, and had a very regular morning. And then, things started to change.
I found that as I was getting ready, I began to have some surprising thoughts. Thankful thoughts. You see, I was praying again. My getting ready time has always been a "me and God " time. And as I began praying, things in my heart began to change. I began thanking Him for simple things like-- warm water, soap, shampoo, and conditioner, and then it tumbled into a ton of other things that I was thankful for. Heat, running water, electricity, firewood, food in the pantry, and freezer. Gas in my car. A car. 2 cars. Even a blow dryer, a simple blow dryer--just all of the everyday things that I take for granted, without ever giving them a second thought. As I prayed, I began to cry in humble and grateful thankfulness and a knowing deep down in my heart that yes, God has this. This horrible virus that has gripped the world in fear, that might even reach and attack some people that I know and love, or even me--God has this!
So here I am now, I'm sitting in my warm cozy home, with everything I need, and I am so very grateful. And I just realized, at this very moment that I am holding on to the very fingers of God, and as I paddle my feet, head just beneath the surface, where I can't really see where I'm going, I am not afraid. God knows. He's telling me to hold on, to not let go, to trust Him and He will keep me safe. And so I will. I am now doing just that. I am holding on. For dear life. Because there is nothing else I can do. I can either sink and drown, or I can hang on to God's fingers and swim. I trust God.
I might not trust you, or the experts, or anyone else, but I trust God. And He has told me to--hold on, fear not, trust Him, for He will walk with me through the darkest deepest scariest of times. He is with me. Thank God, He is with me. I will not fear.
