As I sat praying this morning in my own little private time with God, I kept hearing this phrase repeated over and over deep down in my heart. Scar tissue. I knew what He was asking of me. Yes, God was telling me that it was time. Time to start writing, time to start sharing. Time to peel back the layers of scar tissue on my heart. I've already asked my folks permission--because in no way do I ever want to bring dishonor to my parents. I love them both deeply. They both gave their approval to share what I am about to say, I think they also felt it was time. Because sometimes we are asked to reveal our past in order to grow into our future. My past, present, and future have always been centered on God and my relationship with Him. And it is now time to share just exactly what was going on in my home during my childhood. I'm sure that most of my older relatives knew our little secret, but many did not, and many still do not know. So, here goes, it's the beginning of my young life, viewed through my eyes and perspective--the scar tissue on my heart.
Something was wrong. My home was not normal. My mother cried a lot, my father drank a lot, and I was scared a lot. Often hiding under the blankets cowering in my bed while the screaming, hitting and threatening carried on around me. At a young age, I learned to keep out of the way and to keep my mouth shut. I had not yet met God, I had never been inside of a church, therefore I did not have any means of protection, so that first layer of scar tissue began to built up deep inside. Even then as a tiny little girl I remember thinking to myself that if were bigger, I'd hit back. I think that's kind of funny now. I am all of 5'4", and yet there is that fighting spirit still deep within me--yes, I'd still fight back, I am one tough little cookie. Short, but tough. I had to be tough, I had to.
When I was 5 or 6 years old my father was hospitalized. I'm trying to go back in time to what exactly I thought was going on. I was told by my mother that he was in the hospital and that he would be home soon. In the meantime, my little sister and I stayed at my aunt's house. I want to interject here just how much I grew to love my aunt. The 2 weeks that I spent in her home were awesome. That's really the best word for me to use to describe our visit there. Awesome. It was peaceful, fun, lots of laughing, and playing outside with my cousins. There wasn't any screaming, yelling, hitting, drinking, and most of all, there wasn't any hiding. I didn't want to go home, there was so much love and fun in that little house of theirs that I did not want to leave.
I did not learn of the diagnosis that my father received while in the hospital for those 2 weeks until many years later. I do think, however, that my aunts and uncles knew. At least I think they knew. In my opinion, everyone should have been told. My mother should also have told my sister and I. That's what I think anyway. Everyone should have known, maybe then they would have intervened a little. Because even though my father and mother became Christians sometime during my 6th year of life, a lot of things did not change in my home. But here is what did change--no more drinking, hitting, swearing, or yelling. No more living in absolute terror. However, here is what did not change--I still, throughout my entire childhood, lived with an unsettled feeling. I never felt completely safe. It seemed at every turn, my world was pulled out from beneath me. I will share later on as to why I had those feelings as I delve into my later years.
Back to my father's diagnoses--he was diagnosed with manic depression, or better known as bipolar disorder. He had had his first psychotic break at 30 years of age. I thank God that my parents became Christians and that some aspects of my childhood changed. I thank God that I was never sexually abused. I thank God that when I was still so little He gave me a portion of scripture to hang on to--
I will fear no evil, for thou art with me. Yes, I am unashamedly an optimist. I have so much to be thankful for that this thankful heart of mine far overshadows the memories of my past. And yet, I have had to spend a lifetime grappling with layer upon layer of scar tissue. Had I been told of my father's illness as a child, I believe I would have been able to forgive him at a much younger age. Yes, that forgiveness word has just popped up. God has had to help me with much forgiveness.
As God leads me, I will write about each of those layers, how He has revealed them to me and healed me. How He has shown me that all those many layers of scar tissue have made me who I am today.
But first, I just wanted to use the clinical term--bipolar disorder. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain. And, it can be controlled via medication. Some, however, have made unwise choices--as in, not taking their meds. Which in turn can lead to turmoil within a home. Which is the case of my childhood home. Living with a parent with a mental disorder was not easy. Living with a parent who pretended it didn't exist wasn't easy. And, as I said before, had I only known--how much different all of our lives could have been.
I hate secrecy. I love truth and honesty. I believe that the truth truly does set us free. And as with any illness, we need to surround that person with love and understanding. So, in sharing, I am hoping to bring about healing and restoration--between my entire family and anyone who suffers from this disorder. I hope that you stick with me in the near future as I peel back layer after layer, a little bit at a time and that you learn along with me. The first part of this peeling away of scar tissue is just saying it or in this case writing it out loud. The secret, if there ever was one is now out.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Creamy Tomato Beef Soup
First off let me tell you, this soup is soooooo good. And this little recipe happened quite by accident. I was trying to make another recipe and accidentally used the wrong ingredient. One thing lead to another and voila!
So here goes--my own creation.
1 lb of beef--either ground beef or left over prime rib (that's what I used)
1 onion chopped
2 cloves garlic minced
1 package cream cheese (8 oz)
1 cup sour cream
1/2 cup half and half
2 cans chopped seasoned tomatoes
1 can tomato sauce
1 package taco seasoning (I used mild)
salt and pepper to taste
Brown beef, onion, and garlic in some olive oil a dutch oven. Make sure the onion is nice a soft, add the cream cheese and stir until melted. Then add everything else and stir until well blended and heated through. Next time around I am going to add some mushrooms!
This is fairly low carb, the tomatoes are the only thing you have to worry about. Be prepared to eat a lot. I did.
So here goes--my own creation.
1 lb of beef--either ground beef or left over prime rib (that's what I used)
1 onion chopped
2 cloves garlic minced
1 package cream cheese (8 oz)
1 cup sour cream
1/2 cup half and half
2 cans chopped seasoned tomatoes
1 can tomato sauce
1 package taco seasoning (I used mild)
salt and pepper to taste
Brown beef, onion, and garlic in some olive oil a dutch oven. Make sure the onion is nice a soft, add the cream cheese and stir until melted. Then add everything else and stir until well blended and heated through. Next time around I am going to add some mushrooms!
This is fairly low carb, the tomatoes are the only thing you have to worry about. Be prepared to eat a lot. I did.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Low Carb Chocolate Chip Cookies
First of all, let me start by saying that there is a recipe for cookies floating somewhere in cyberspace or in a cookbook from long ago called sour cream softies--they are the best cookies ever! I used to make them all the time and put mini chocolate chips in them because everyone knows that chocolate makes everything taste better! So, after much tweaking and experimenting with several recipes I came up with this rendition of my own. Here is my version of low carb sour cream softies with sugar-free chocolate chips. I buy my supplies (that I can't find in local stores) at netrition.com.
Have fun baking and enjoy--ladolceveda. :)
1/2 c butter
1/2 c sour cream
1 c Splenda
1/2 c Splenda brown sugar blend
1 egg
1 cup almond flour
1/2 cup coconut flour
1 t baking soda
1 t salt
1 cup sugar-free mini Chocolate chips
Cream together the first 5 items in a food processor, slowly add everything else except chocolate chips. Then stir in the chocolaty goodness aka chocolate chips. I used a cookie scoop and baked them on a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper @ 400 degrees for about 10 minutes. Watch carefully, as they brown quickly! Cool slightly before shoveling, I mean eating. Probably 2 or 3 net carbs per cookie, so be careful! Freeze in 1-gallon freezer bag in the back of the freezer, so that your husband can't find them.
Yields about 2 1/2 dozen after I ate a couple. Don't judge me!
There are a lot of things you could do with this recipe, for instance--add some peanut butter! Or coconut or walnuts or cinnamon...the possibilities are endless, just remember--each item adds carbs!
Have fun baking and enjoy--ladolceveda. :)
1/2 c butter
1/2 c sour cream
1 c Splenda
1/2 c Splenda brown sugar blend
1 egg
1 cup almond flour
1/2 cup coconut flour
1 t baking soda
1 t salt
1 cup sugar-free mini Chocolate chips
Cream together the first 5 items in a food processor, slowly add everything else except chocolate chips. Then stir in the chocolaty goodness aka chocolate chips. I used a cookie scoop and baked them on a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper @ 400 degrees for about 10 minutes. Watch carefully, as they brown quickly! Cool slightly before shoveling, I mean eating. Probably 2 or 3 net carbs per cookie, so be careful! Freeze in 1-gallon freezer bag in the back of the freezer, so that your husband can't find them.
Yields about 2 1/2 dozen after I ate a couple. Don't judge me!
There are a lot of things you could do with this recipe, for instance--add some peanut butter! Or coconut or walnuts or cinnamon...the possibilities are endless, just remember--each item adds carbs!
Branching Out With Some Recipes
I've decided to branch out a bit. You know I've lost a lot of weight eating a very low carbohydrate diet. Well, I've also been experimenting with various recipes and after much tweaking, I have come up with several that I absolutely love. So, I will periodically be sharing them with you here on my blog. I am not a chemist so I will not be giving the exact carbs, etc. However, believe me--if I eat it, it is low carb!
Low Carb Cauliflower Cheese Soup
1 small white onion chopped
1 T almond flour
2 cloves garlic pressed
3 T butter
1 head cauliflower chopped
2 cups chicken stock
2 cups water
½ cup sour cream (or more)
1 cup cheddar cheese shredded
¾ cup crumbled bacon (pre-cooked)
3 green onions chopped
In a dutch oven, saute white onion and garlic in butter, add the almond flour to make a rue, and then add cauliflower, chicken stock, and water.
Cook until all veggies are soft, about 20 or 30 minutes.
Right before serving puree with immersion blender, stir in all other items, puree a tad more,
heat through and serve with a bit of cheese on top.
I also added salt, pepper and a dash of nutmeg—just for fun! Enjoy!
Serves about 4 people. :)
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Experiencing a Miracle
Remember last year? When I wrote about having the January blues? Well, I believe all that praying has finally paid off because I haven't had them one little bit the year. Not even once! I am overjoyed with God's unbelievable power to heal my crazy mixed up emotional heart. I prayed so hard last year. I wanted to be able to wake up each and every morning during the month of January without feeling completely depressed. And guess what? I totally forgot that last year I was writing about being so blue because this year it hasn't happened at all. I'm wondering what has changed? And my answer to that question is nothing. Nothing has changed.
No, that's not true. Everything has changed. I realize that now. I am in a different place in life. Spiritually, physically, emotionally. Why in the world would I think that nothing has changed? Everything has changed. Especially my heart. I will have to analyze this further because I am blown away by the heart change I have experienced. By all outward appearances I am pretty much the same, but inside? Well, inside is another story. Let me explain as best I can. And please, do not for one minute think that I believe that this is a fix-all for everyone. However, in saying that, it has fixed me. Oh yes, it has!
Last year at this time I wasn't as satisfied with my life as I am now. Last year I wasn't plugged into a church body, I was still relatively new to my little town and I didn't really know my neighbors all that well. This year though? Well, this year my life is very different. Not just because I am completely and totally involved in just about everything possible, no it is more than that. It's my attitude that has changed. I can see that now. I am less focused on me and more focused on Him. I am outwardly focused. I am no longer trying to meet my own needs. God has met me somewhere in the middle and has changed my heart. It's so hard to explain, and yet it's so easy for me to understand. Gone are the lonely, boring, self-involved days, gone are the empty nest blues, gone are the I don't have any friends, gone are the what am I going to do with the rest of my life type of feelings.
It might seem so insignificant to some to share these emotions of mine, however, I do so with every intention of rereading this blog next year. I want a record of what God is doing and is going to do in my life. I want to share the excitement that I am not in the mulligrubs about life without my children, grandchildren and old friends. I want others to know that when God does something in my heart--it's for keeps. It's truly a miracle--no January blues. Not this year. Hopefully prayerfully never again. I will keep my eyes fixed on Him. Because I have experienced a miracle.
No, that's not true. Everything has changed. I realize that now. I am in a different place in life. Spiritually, physically, emotionally. Why in the world would I think that nothing has changed? Everything has changed. Especially my heart. I will have to analyze this further because I am blown away by the heart change I have experienced. By all outward appearances I am pretty much the same, but inside? Well, inside is another story. Let me explain as best I can. And please, do not for one minute think that I believe that this is a fix-all for everyone. However, in saying that, it has fixed me. Oh yes, it has!
Last year at this time I wasn't as satisfied with my life as I am now. Last year I wasn't plugged into a church body, I was still relatively new to my little town and I didn't really know my neighbors all that well. This year though? Well, this year my life is very different. Not just because I am completely and totally involved in just about everything possible, no it is more than that. It's my attitude that has changed. I can see that now. I am less focused on me and more focused on Him. I am outwardly focused. I am no longer trying to meet my own needs. God has met me somewhere in the middle and has changed my heart. It's so hard to explain, and yet it's so easy for me to understand. Gone are the lonely, boring, self-involved days, gone are the empty nest blues, gone are the I don't have any friends, gone are the what am I going to do with the rest of my life type of feelings.
It might seem so insignificant to some to share these emotions of mine, however, I do so with every intention of rereading this blog next year. I want a record of what God is doing and is going to do in my life. I want to share the excitement that I am not in the mulligrubs about life without my children, grandchildren and old friends. I want others to know that when God does something in my heart--it's for keeps. It's truly a miracle--no January blues. Not this year. Hopefully prayerfully never again. I will keep my eyes fixed on Him. Because I have experienced a miracle.
Monday, January 7, 2013
My Word For The Year
This is my first blog post since the beginning of the new year. I've been extremely busy as have most. However, I really haven't had too much to say. I've just been doing, and doing, and doing. I've been going, I've been busy, I've been getting back to life--post-Christmas. All of my decorations are put away, my husband has returned to a regular work schedule and this week my life returns to a somewhat regular pace. Somewhat. I say somewhat because there are some new things happening for me, some exciting things, some challenging things. But first, my word for the year.
I hadn't heard of this concept before this past Sunday. Our pastor talked about praying and asking God to give us a special word, just one word that would motivate (my word not his) us throughout the year. As usual, God began speaking to my heart, and my brain took off in a direction that I had no control over. You see, the night before I woke up with a portion of scripture running through my mind.
It was Isaiah 61, which reads--
61 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.
I laid there in bed for a long time thinking about these verses and I wondered, what is God saying to me? And then, the next morning--I heard the sermon at church. The question was right there in front of me and I already had received the answer. I knew what my word for the year would be. And still, I have not said it out loud, I have not shared it with anyone. I think because it is a scary one for me. There were a few other words that popped into my mind during Sunday's sermon, easier words, words that were more fun. However, they weren't my word, at least not for this year.
This year is going to be one of the busiest years I've had in a long time. This week I resume my regular ladies Bible study at church, and our weekly couples Bible study starts up again. I have my monthly book-club meetings and I meet my friends for coffee each Friday morning, and there are also numerous other things I get myself mixed up in, along with cooking, cleaning, and laundry. That sounds like enough for anyone's plate in my opinion. However, this year I begin a new chapter in my life. I am training to become what is called a Stephen Minister. I will go through 50 hours of training and then am committed to helping for 2 years. Personally, I believe it will stretch into a life long commitment, but I'm not telling anyone about that either. It'll be my little secret. Also next month I begin training with a group called AVA--advocates for victims of abuse. I also have 2 seminars this summer that I hope to attend in different states and I have my 40th high school reunion to plan for. I haven't even thought about next fall yet, but I'm sure I'll be busy. At this point, I bet I sound a little crazy and just a bit overextended.
Yes, I shall be a very busy person this next year. And I'm wondering why I feel such a peace about everything. Why am I so excited? Why am I not overwhelmed by all the stuff going on in my life?
Why? Because my word for the year, the word that God dropped into my heart, the word that will carry me through my tired, whining, selfish days is serve. I will serve Him, my God, with all my heart. I will do my utmost. And when I do get to a place where I feel that I can't do anymore (which I am sure I will have those days) I will remember this portion of scripture that God gave to me. It will give me strength, it will comfort me, it will excite me, and it will also humble me.
This year I will serve. What a great year this will be. So if you have the time and if you think of me, please pray for me. I will need those prayers.
I hadn't heard of this concept before this past Sunday. Our pastor talked about praying and asking God to give us a special word, just one word that would motivate (my word not his) us throughout the year. As usual, God began speaking to my heart, and my brain took off in a direction that I had no control over. You see, the night before I woke up with a portion of scripture running through my mind.
It was Isaiah 61, which reads--
61 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.
I laid there in bed for a long time thinking about these verses and I wondered, what is God saying to me? And then, the next morning--I heard the sermon at church. The question was right there in front of me and I already had received the answer. I knew what my word for the year would be. And still, I have not said it out loud, I have not shared it with anyone. I think because it is a scary one for me. There were a few other words that popped into my mind during Sunday's sermon, easier words, words that were more fun. However, they weren't my word, at least not for this year.
This year is going to be one of the busiest years I've had in a long time. This week I resume my regular ladies Bible study at church, and our weekly couples Bible study starts up again. I have my monthly book-club meetings and I meet my friends for coffee each Friday morning, and there are also numerous other things I get myself mixed up in, along with cooking, cleaning, and laundry. That sounds like enough for anyone's plate in my opinion. However, this year I begin a new chapter in my life. I am training to become what is called a Stephen Minister. I will go through 50 hours of training and then am committed to helping for 2 years. Personally, I believe it will stretch into a life long commitment, but I'm not telling anyone about that either. It'll be my little secret. Also next month I begin training with a group called AVA--advocates for victims of abuse. I also have 2 seminars this summer that I hope to attend in different states and I have my 40th high school reunion to plan for. I haven't even thought about next fall yet, but I'm sure I'll be busy. At this point, I bet I sound a little crazy and just a bit overextended.
Yes, I shall be a very busy person this next year. And I'm wondering why I feel such a peace about everything. Why am I so excited? Why am I not overwhelmed by all the stuff going on in my life?
Why? Because my word for the year, the word that God dropped into my heart, the word that will carry me through my tired, whining, selfish days is serve. I will serve Him, my God, with all my heart. I will do my utmost. And when I do get to a place where I feel that I can't do anymore (which I am sure I will have those days) I will remember this portion of scripture that God gave to me. It will give me strength, it will comfort me, it will excite me, and it will also humble me.
This year I will serve. What a great year this will be. So if you have the time and if you think of me, please pray for me. I will need those prayers.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)