It's Not About Me

It’s not about me, it’s about Him. It’s about peace, hope, joy, and love. 

It’s not about me, it’s about Jesus. It’s about his birth, it’s about miracles, and it’s about salvation. 

It’s not about me, it’s about God. It’s about the creator, it’s about the one who sent His son, and it’s about life everlasting. 

No, it isn’t about me. It’s about everything that has to do with what I live for. 

It’s all about Jesus, it’s all about God, and it isn’t one little bit about me. 

So with this time of uncertainty, and with this time of a pandemic, and with this time with not being with family and friends, I will endure--because of him. 

And it’s not about me, it’s about Him. 

So with this season of love, joy, peace, hope, and giving of ourselves, I will do just that. 

You see, at some point this past year, it became about me.  All of it, everything.  It became about my wants, my needs, and my desires.  My emotions, my heartache, my everything--all about me.  

And that's when it dawned on me, it's not about me, it's about Him.  Every single thing I go through, every obstacle I face, every good or bad thing in my life is all about Him.  My God, my Jesus.  My savior, my creator.  My everything.  

Because it isn’t about me.  

I Need a Little More Cash

I realized something the other day. Something I needed. You see, we've become somewhat of a cashless society lately, what with the COVID virus. Everyone wants to deal with touchless credit or debit card transactions. And, I don't blame them. Less spread. Safer. I get it. However, something caught my attention and now I realize, I'm going to need some cash. Real money, real dollars.

We were just leaving the parking lot of a big box store when on the corner stood a man with a sign that read--lost my job, need cash. Or something to that effect. His wife and 2 small children were sitting underneath a tree in the shade. It was a warm almost hot day. I felt sorry for them, so I rolled down my window and gave him all the money I had. Which is to say--not much. Maybe $5. I told him how sorry I was that I didn't have more cash on me and he assured me that he was grateful for anything. Then he said--God bless you. I left with tears in my eyes. I wish I could have handed him more money. And then it hit me, I didn't have more cash in my wallet because I've been using my credit card everywhere. I immediately wanted to remedy that situation. I needed more cash.

I know a lot of people think that I have a bleeding heart, that I should tell them to "get a job" or that I am enabling them. Teach a man to fish and all that, and maybe all are true. Maybe. However, that isn't being the real me. If I were to go that route, I would be going against everything that God has ever taught me. I would be throwing away all the many life lessons that He took me through as a child and young adult. if you've read much of my story, you'd know that my life was a roller-coaster of poor girl/rich girl and that via those life lessons, I became a giver. I don't need anyone to tell me their stories before I give them a handout or a hand up. That's between them and God. And, if I am ever taken advantage of, well, so be it. That again is between them and God.

I raised my children to be this way. Whether they realize it or not, their father and I were their role models for giving and giving and giving and then giving some more. I taught them that God supplies our needs, not jobs or savings accounts. I taught them that if God blesses you, it is so that you may bless others. I taught them that no matter how hard you try, you can't outgive God.  He will always supply your needs.  Now, as I watch my children and grandchildren interact with those less fortunate, I see that my teachings have paid off. I watch them give. They now inspire me.

A few weeks ago, while visiting my daughter and her family, I had the opportunity to watch both of my teenage grandchildren, during separate instances give to the poor. Roll your window down grandma, can you hand them this? And they put money, their own money, into my hand to hand off to someone in need. I sat next to them in the car, barely able to contain my tears. I kept thinking how proud I was of them. They had giving hearts. They weren't selfish. They never said I worked hard for my money, why don't they? They never even flinched. they just gave. Out of the abundance of what their God gave to them--they gave. I was so proud of them.

So, I have concluded that yes, I need a little more cash. Not for the stores and shops. But, for those that God puts in my path. And then, after giving what I have, I will pray. I will pray for the family in need until the next person or family comes along. Bleeding heart? Enabler? Oh yes. please God, always keep my heart open, willing, and giving. And I promise I'll always have a little more cash.

Glamping/Shamping

Well, we did it.  After 20 years of waiting, we finally bought another travel trailer.  And, not just any travel trailer, a retro-style trailer.  A Vintage Cruiser.  It's the talk of the neighborhood, as well as the campground, believe me.  People walk by just to ask questions.  Did you restore it?  How old is it?  Is it new?  No, 2 years, and yes.

Let me back up a bit.  I didn't grow up camping.  In fact, I think I remember going one time when I was maybe 4 or 5 years old.  After that, I didn't return to the hobby until after I got married.  My parent's idea of camping was staying in an inexpensive hotel.  For some reason though, I was intrigued by the idea.  Maybe because it wasn't something my family did, or maybe it was just inherent in my DNA.  I don't know.  I just know that I loved it.  The campfires, cooking outside, snuggling in a sleeping bag, all toasty.  It was so much fun.

During the first 3 decades of our marriage, we tent camped.  I even asked for camping equipment for wedding gifts.  Hard to believe, I know!  We had everything though, from a huge tent to a camp stove, and lanterns.  We camped almost every weekend.  And after we had children we would drag them along.  From the Sierra mountains to the Pacific Ocean, from Mexico to the San Juan Islands, we camped.  It was truly one of my favorite things to do with our kids.

One such trip up north took us to our first travel trailer.  It was sitting all by itself with a sad little "for sale" sign.  It was so tired looking, small (16 ft) and in need of a total restoration.  I immediately fell in love.  My idea was to rehab it, sell it for a good amount, and then buy the one I really wanted.  Even though I didn't know what I really wanted at that time.  I still had an idea, dreams, so many dreams.  I talked my husband into purchasing that tiny little trailer from a little old man.  We hooked it up to our minivan and away we went.  Fortunately, we were on our way home.

We parked it in our driveway and went to work.  New upholstery, new countertops, new everything. Lots of scrubbing, mopping, and Windex-ing and once we were done, we put her up for sale.  I sold her in just a couple of days for 3 times the amount I paid for her.  And although I was sad to see her go, I was ready to hunt for my next project, I mean adventure.

We found her right away, a 22 ft travel trailer--again in need of some tender loving care.  However, once my husband saw what I had done with the previous trailer he was all for buying my newest conquest, and soon she was all mine.  I didn't have to do very much.  Mainly some deep cleaning, a little painting and we were ready to go.  We took her up and down the west coast for almost 10 years with our 3 kids.  I loved every minute of camping in her.  She kept us warm and cozy, dry, and safe.  We played games, had fun meals, and made memories.  It was awesome.

And then we had to sell her.  I felt like I was losing a child, but we were moving across the nation and couldn't take her with us.  We ended up selling her to some friends and then proceeding to basically give up camping altogether for just about 20 years.  Looking back, it's really hard for me to believe.
I loved it that much.  However, the kids were growing up, getting married, going to college and those 20 years just flew by.

That traveling bug, that trailer bug, that camping bug never really left me though.  So, I began to look.  Just look.  I priced them, checked on towing them, looked at floor plans, went to every single dealership within 30 miles, and even went to a couple of RV shows.  The bug to purchase another one just grew and grew and grew.

Until one day I found her.  I showed the ad to my husband--he said, let's go look.  I said, don't tease me--he said he wasn't.  I said, let's go!  So we did.  We pretty much bought her on the spot.

She is adorable.  23 ft long, with all the amenities I could ask for.  I love her.  She didn't need any fixing up, however, I wanted to put a little bit of me into her, so I added an interior decal, hung some shelves, some hooks, some cubbies, a clock and now she looks like me.  We've taken her out twice now and had a blast.  We have several more trips planned throughout the fall before we winterize her, and then we'll be off again.  I've even named her.  She's Cora, the cruiser.  She's being pulled by Dora, my Explorer.  Don't laugh, I name things.

This little endeavor of ours has really been a blessing in disguise.  Who knew we'd be dealing with a pandemic and unable to travel out of the country?  And with camping being the safer option now, it's driven RV sales up 600%.  And no, that's not a typo.  Everyone is doing it.  So, we have plans.  Many plans.  Camping (really glamping) along the eastern seaboard, shopping (aka shamping) in all the cute little towns, and eating lobster rolls to our heart's content.  We'll camp on Michigan's 3rd coast. We'll camp with friends, our adult kids, and hopefully take some grandkids with us too.

Oh, our dog.  Yes, we take our dog.  She's a very silly Sheltie, with a bigger than life personality, and she seems to have taken to camping flawlessly.  She's a great camper.  Her bed rests under the dinette table, that's her place.  She's got her chewies and dog food and water bowls and seems very content. Normally, she can be a barker, but camping?  Nope, never.  She's super quiet, she just listens to those other bad dogs in the campground and rolls her eyes.  Silly dogs.  But, our dog?  She's awesome.

It's funny now that I think about this--that the camping bug never really left me.  It just laid dormant, waiting.  Waiting for what?  Me.  Just waiting for me.  I've now got my tiny house on wheels, my little apartment.  She's so cute.  So cozy.  So very special.  I know that my husband and I will make many happy memories in her as we travel the country--camping, shamping and glamping, one campsite at a time.

And, once again, I am doing something I really love doing.

God, help us all

We are now up to over 130,000 deaths in the USA due to the COVID-19 virus.  We did not flatten the curve as intended.  Our entire nation has spiked in numbers again.  And after all that--after the shutdowns, after the small business owners lost their livelihoods, we have failed at bringing our nation out of this crisis.  It's July, for Pete's sake, and the number of deaths has doubled since May.  How much worse will it get, how many more will die?  Please, God, help us.

It seems to me there is such a lack of leadership in our nation.  Everyone is either calling the pandemic a hoax or saying that it's not that serious (it's just like the flu, after all); however, more and more people are being infected every day.  To me, it seems that everyone is wearing blinders.  Our pandemic response team was abandoned, no one is listening to the experts, and people are just doing as they wish.  Our administration pulled out of the World Health Organization and is now telling the country not to listen to the CDC.  Seriously? 

I wonder what it will take?  What will change the hearts and minds of the men and women of this nation?  I watched our president spew hatred over the 4th of July weekend.  I listened to him trying his hardest to push us apart rather than pull us together.  He doesn't even try to unify us as a nation.  He doesn't wear a mask, and he doesn't social distance, so in turn, neither do his followers.  And the vicious cycle starts all over again.  And not just the virus--the hatred, the bigotry, and the violence. 

Europe doesn't even want us right now; we aren't allowed to travel there nor to Canada--because we aren't taking care of our citizens as we should.  The whole of the world feels sorry for us as we are being led to death and destruction.  What a shame.  How many more will die at the hand of this man?  How many more years must we suffer at the hands of this wolf in sheep's clothing?  I wonder.  And I pray.  Hard.

I want this blog to not only reflect my thoughts and insight concerning my world views but to also teach my grandchildren to watch carefully and be aware of things like this going on around them. When they become adults, I want them to let their voices be heard.  Stand up for the underdog, and care for others as Christ cares for them.  Go after that one--they are worth it.  Learn from this horrid time in our history.  And pray.  Please, God, teach them to pray.

I'm trying so hard not to become disillusioned.  I'm trying to be positive, to work for the greater good, to give what I have, to share the truth, and to pray.  However, with death looming, destruction being praised, and nothing but dark days ahead, it's so hard.  But I will pray, and I will keep praying, and I won't give up. 

I know that I haven't been blogging lately--for fear of sounding just the way I sound.  I would rather be telling stories of my past and sharing my wonderful memories, but right now, I just feel sad.
Living in this country is breaking my heart and wearing me down.  History is repeating itself, and no one is stopping it.  Please, God, hear my prayer.

Hear the prayers of your daughter, oh God.  Change my heart to reflect your glory, and teach me through this time. 

Transparency in a Pandemic

I am failing.  I just want you to know that.  It's not an everyday failure, but close enough.  It's something that I'm struggling with.  One day up.  The next day, not so much.  That's what I want to write about this morning.  My failure.  My transparency.  Why?  Because maybe, just maybe you are like me.  And, in all my failures, God still loves me, uses me, talks to me in His still small voice, cares for me, teaches me His ways, and is always there for me.  Even when I am not--there for Him.

One thing that bothers me so greatly is my personality. I would change it if I could.  I drive myself crazy.  Why did God make me this way?  Why can't I be like someone else?  Why am I so broken?  Why do I think the very thoughts that I think?  Why can't I trust Him more?  And so, I pray many, many times per day.  I play my worship music to the point that my husband reminds me that there are other types of music.

However, I sometimes find myself getting so sad.  How will this all end, how many deaths?  Why are people being so cruel?  I watch protesters on the news screaming into the faces of police officers with such hatred and venom.  I watch others say, hey, let the old people just die off, we need our jobs.

This is what is registering in my mind.  Selfishness, greed, hatred, and for those reasons, I am having trouble.  I am seeing the human side of humanity.  It is frightening.  And yet...I kind of get it.  Let me explain.  If I have a job and I live paycheck to paycheck--I pay rent, daycare, utilities, etc. and then that all goes away, how do I then survive?  If I get my job back, but no daycare is provided, what do I do with my children?  If I have need of groceries but there are none, and the food banks are empty and everyone is hoarding, where do I land on that?  How do I feed my children?  And so, protesters, in anger and frustration, take to the streets.  I get it.

Here's what I don't get.  I have enough money.  I don't live that way.  I can survive.  However, I am not selfish.  I am able to donate to food banks.  I care about those parents.  I hear their cries and frustration.  I have great empathy for them.  So, I help as much as possible.  I pray constantly for them.  I pray for their physical, mental, and spiritual health.  My heart breaks for them.  I am doing all that I can do.  And yet, I am failing.  I need to do more.  I need to stand on my soapbox and shout to the world--help these poor people.  And I get so angry.   Angry with myself for my selfish thoughts, and angry with others for their selfish deeds.

This COVID 19 virus is a pandemic.  It is worldwide.  As of this date, in the US alone almost 70,000 people have died. And yet, there are some folks who don't believe that number.  If it hasn't touched their lives in some way, they don't care.  Just get them back to work, and into restaurants and shops, right now!  They are done.  The key here is--it hasn't touched their lives.  They've not yet lost anyone they know or care about or love.  The virus is more of a myth to them.  They are hearing opposing views on TV, they are listening to the bias news reports, and don't know who to trust or believe.  I get it.

So, this transparency thing of mine. I will tell you this.  I am undone.  I am angry.  I am frustrated with it all.  Death, devastation, hunger, selfishness, all of it.  I am sick to death of it.  Some days I can barely face the day, and other days, when the sun is shining, I can face tomorrow.

This morning while attending church in my jammies, with coffee, and my Bible app, I was reading Eph. 4: 24-32.  And bam.  It hit me.  I am angry.  That's what's wrong with me.   Full transparency here.  I am mad.  And yet--there's always an "and yet"-- I am told not to sin.  Grrrrr, how do I accomplish that?  How can I be so angry (and that's ok) but I can't sin?  I can't scream and yell and hit someone, I can't be unbecoming, and I can't let unwholesome things fly out of my mouth.  How am I to deal with this conundrum?

This way--according to the Bible, this way...

I am to be real, not fake.
No pretense.
Tell you the truth.
We are all connected.
It's ok that I'm mad.
But I will use my fuel differently.
I won't let the devil win.
I will be honest.
I will help those who can't work.
I'll watch each word that comes out of my mouth.
I will say only what helps.
I will make God happy.
I will be gentle and sensitive.
I will forgive others.

And, in full transparency--I have failed in doing these things.  However, today is a new day.  Today is a day that God has made.  And, I will change, with God's help.  I will change.
I will continue to pray, read my Bible every single day, worship Him in song.  I will continue to give all that I can, not be selfish, do my part, and continue to try my hardest to please my God.
I am being as transparent as I know how to be.  As honest with you as I can be.
Yes, I am angry, I am mad at the world.  And then I remember something, a truth in the back of my mind.  He has overcome the world.  Oh, thank God.  Now maybe, just maybe I can face this day.

Holding on to the Fingers of God

I'm not going to lie.  I can't swim.  So there, I've said it.  I did take swimming lessons when I was a little child.  And boy, was I ever scared.  I hated the water.  I hated having my head underwater.  I hated that feeling of being left alone, sinking, and something covering my face so that I was unable to breathe.  It took a very long time for that instructor to win me over.  I found that my faith in her was something that had to be built upon, and so I held on to her two pointer fingers for dear life.  It's a very good thing that I was such a small child, or she would have had very sore fingers!

The funny thing is, I've had 3 swimming pools in my many homes as a child and as an adult.  I lived in California, so I was surrounded by the ocean, rivers, and lakes.  And yet, I couldn't swim.  I just couldn't get the hang of it.  So, here I was--continuing to hold tightly onto her 2 fingers.

I'd say to my friends--I'm really just a sun worshiper.  I'd rather be laying on my towel or on a raft just floating, I just wanted a tan.  That's what I'd say away.  What I really wanted to say was--I can't swim, please don't push me in the water, I am afraid.  I didn't though, I never told anyone.  I never admitted that I couldn't do it on my own.

So, why all this stuff about my huge fear of swimming?  Well, I felt that same type of fear come upon me last night.  You see, we're in the midst of a global pandemic. Country after country is shutting down--restaurants, and businesses are closing right and left.  And it's scary.  Everything on our news feeds is flat out terrifying.  And I was buying into it.  Hook, line, and sinker, as my dad used to say.

And then something happened.  I prayed.  As I laid in bed last night, listening to my husband and the dog snoring oh so peacefully beside me, I prayed.  I asked God, in that moment of fear and sadness, to change my attitude and my heart.  I'm not one that is usually so fearful, so sad, so despondent, and yet...something had a hold of my emotions.  Generally, I am an upbeat person, a "God has this"  type of person and a true optimist.  Not last night though.  Last night, I wasn't.  Last night I was afraid.  I was different, and I could feel it deep inside me, eroding all that I had true knowledge of.  I found my trust in God slipping away.  And so, I prayed and then fell asleep.

I woke up this morning, momentarily forgetting all that.  We drank our coffee, watched the Today Show, checked our social media feeds, and had a very regular morning.  And then, things started to change.

I found that as I was getting ready, I began to have some surprising thoughts.  Thankful thoughts.  You see, I was praying again.  My getting ready time has always been a "me and God " time.  And as I began praying, things in my heart began to change.  I began thanking Him for simple things like-- warm water, soap, shampoo, and conditioner, and then it tumbled into a ton of other things that I was thankful for.  Heat, running water, electricity, firewood, food in the pantry, and freezer.  Gas in my car.  A car.  2 cars.  Even a blow dryer, a simple blow dryer--just all of the everyday things that I take for granted, without ever giving them a second thought.  As I prayed, I began to cry in humble and grateful thankfulness and a knowing deep down in my heart that yes, God has this.  This horrible virus that has gripped the world in fear, that might even reach and attack some people that I know and love, or even me--God has this!

So here I am now, I'm sitting in my warm cozy home, with everything I need, and I am so very grateful.  And I just realized, at this very moment that I am holding on to the very fingers of God, and as I paddle my feet, head just beneath the surface, where I can't really see where I'm going, I am not afraid.  God knows.  He's telling me to hold on, to not let go, to trust Him and He will keep me safe.  And so I will.  I am now doing just that.  I am holding on.  For dear life.  Because there is nothing else I can do.  I can either sink and drown, or I can hang on to God's fingers and swim.  I trust God.
I might not trust you, or the experts, or anyone else, but I trust God.  And He has told me to--hold on, fear not, trust Him, for He will walk with me through the darkest deepest scariest of times.  He is with me.  Thank God, He is with me. I will not fear.

Worship There

These past 2 weeks have been pretty awful.  I'm not going to lie.  Death, sickness, surgeries--my friends and family have been going through it.  And me, well, I've been praying hard for them.  I have the tendency, due to my Meyers Briggs personality type (INFJ) to take these things on as if they are happening to me.  Which I guess in turn makes me a pretty good pray-er person.  I pray fervently, without ceasing until I feel that God has given me a peace of some sort.  I am an intercessor.

This morning I happened upon a quote that I need to share and write about.  It was that life-changing for me.  It was Selah.  It caused me to pause and reflect.  C S Lewis wrote this--
When grief takes you to the dust--worship there.

Wow, how many times has grief taken me to the dust?  Or you?  How many times?  Most times we are told by others to buck up, trust God, shake it off, etc.  However, Lewis sees it a little differently.  And now, so do I.  I now will worship there.  Wherever there might be, so I will be, worshiping. Right there in the middle of my pain and heartache.  I will worship there!  God knows where I am, He knows how I feel.  Why should I not be honest?  Why not lay face down, and just plain old worship there?

After reading this quote, in particular, I felt a huge sense of relief.  Not that I will stop praying, not that at all.  I just felt that in the praying time--I could relax, let go, cry, and worship right there.  In a way, it brought me to a very powerful feeling of trust.  A feeling that God had his mighty hand all over the many different situations and circumstances in life and that in that time--I could feel safe, I could trust, I could rest in his arms.  I had freedom.

Maybe that was it.  A feeling of freedom to lay it all down at the feet of the God whom I serve every minute of every day.  Maybe now, I could just worship there--at His feet. And leave it there.  Knowing that He will, in His perfect timing take care of all my worries, fears, and heartbreaks...yes, I believe that's it.  If I can just learn how to implement this new revelation, camp on it for a bit, and then eventually put it into practice, I believe I will have learned a very deep truth about God and His ways.

As you can see, I love this quote.  I will learn to worship there, right there, no matter where I am or what is going on around me.  No matter death, nor sickness, nor heartbreak--I will worship there.