La Dolce Veda: My Niece's Wedding

I knew before I even went that it was going to be a tough night. A beautiful night to be sure, but a rough one for me, my parents, my sister and her children. I knew that it would be hard. And it was. As my tears flowed, I could not help but think of my two nephews who were missing. Who were in heaven, who were not there to participate, to make us laugh, and smile and to make her special day unforgettable. No, they were not there.

I wondered--what should I do, what could I do to make things easier, less emotional for them and for me? You see, I am a big fat crybaby. I hate that about myself. That inability to control my tears. It's very frustrating, to say the least. So, I thought to myself--why not spend a few days in Monterey/Carmel first and then head on over to the valley to attend the wedding. That, I thought, just might help me cope a little bit better. I knew that my sister would be extremely busy with wedding plans, so that's just what we did. We landed in San Francisco and then drove on down the coast. We stayed in a nice hotel, shopped, ate out and I tried hard not to think about the wedding and who would not be attending.

The actual day of the wedding I made plans with friends. I didn't want to talk about the upcoming wedding. I just wanted to visit, to laugh, to talk about other things. I think our friends got the picture, they were very gracious and helped keep our minds off things. Diversion, that's exactly what it was and it did help. So I thanked them very much. I needed them at the moment. Throughout the day I'd pray for my sister and niece, for God to comfort them, give them strength, help them not to dwell on reality. I wanted them to focus on the wedding, the happiness, the joy.

We picked my parents up late that afternoon. It was an outdoor wedding, next to a beautiful little lake, with the chairs and altar under great big old oak trees. The weather that had been a scorching 106 degrees the weekend before had settled nicely into a comfortable 80 degrees just in time for the celebration. My prayers had been answered, that's for sure! I hate hot weather, I am extremely susceptible to heat exhaustion and have a slight phobia of passing out in public places. Geez, do you think that's ever happened to me before? Um, yes.

As the bridesmaids and groomsmen began to appear, I felt that prickly sensation behind my eyes. Do not cry, I told myself. But, where are my nephews, I also asked? They should be here. I was able to focus on the wedding, pull myself together and block out the pain. I watched the attendants all take their places, I watched as my sister and my niece's father walked her down the aisle, and I watched as she and her new husband exchanged their vows. It was a short wedding. Sweet, full of laughter, and a few tears and then it was over. We then filed into the huge beautifully decorated renovated barn and the reception began.

I kept thinking to myself--we made it! Not too many tears, not too much emotion, everyone seems to be doing great and having a good time. I was so relieved. And then, yes, and then, they did something that is common in a lot of wedding receptions nowadays. They showed the video. You know, the one of them growing up. Well, guess who is in the growing up pictures of my niece? That's right, her brothers. And that's when I lost it. The tears began to flow. I could not help myself. I felt so bad because the wedding parties' table was right behind ours. I did not want my sister or my niece to see me crying. I didn't want them to start crying. I was an emotional basket-case, to say the least. I wanted to excuse myself and pull myself together, but I felt trapped. Everyone was so engrossed in the videos, to leave would have drawn even more attention to myself. So there I was--stuck, crying, grieving for the nephews who weren't at the wedding, who weren't in line with the groomsmen, who weren't sitting at the table behind me with their little sister whom they loved so much.

Finally, it was over. Before the lights came back on I composed myself--along with everyone else in the room. It seems that we were all thinking the same thing. We missed the boys. They should have been there. They were truly missed that night. With their beautiful little sister getting married, they should have been there.

The toasts started then. The best man, the matron of honor, the parents, some friends, they all got up to speak about my niece and her new husband. They said some very sweet heartfelt things. And now, confession time for me. I wanted to say something too. However, I didn't want to speak to them, I wanted to pray over them. I wanted to lay a hand on each of their shoulders and pray for God's protection, guidance, direction, and love. I thought it might be a little out of place though, so I did and said nothing. Instead, I smiled after each toast and raised my glass to the beautiful newlyweds.

I did pray though. Later. In private. I prayed hard and I am still praying. I pray for her and her remaining brother every day just like I do my own children. I pray that God draws them closer to Him each day, I pray that God protects them, and I pray that they live a life that honors Him in all they do.

I miss my nephews. Both of them. They died too young. They should have been at the wedding for their sister. For their mother. However, for some reason that I am not privy to, God had other plans for them. Am I sad about that fact? Yes, I am. However, I do not question God's plans or ways. I hope and pray that my family doesn't either. I hope and pray that they felt God's presence at the wedding, and that with each passing year they grow to trust Him more and more. That is my prayer for my niece, her new husband, my nephew, my sister and my own children. Just trust God. Just lean into Him. Because even though my 2 nephews were not physically there to celebrate their sister getting married, they were in our hearts all the same. We felt them. At least I did. I imagined them smiling, happy, dancing at their sister's wedding, just like they are doing in heaven. Yes, I truly believe that. I do.