Grandma Crybaby

I think if my kids could change my name, they would call me grandma crybaby.  Why?  Because every time my kids leave our house with their kids or every time we leave their house--I cry.  No, not the heart-wrenching sobs that some people make, mine are a silent cry.  The cry of a grandmother's heart is broken a little more each time she is separated from her grandchildren.

Who would have thought it possible?  To love someone so much, that your heart actually hurts?  When I had my children it was unfathomable for me to think that far into the future--to the land of grandchildren.  I was too busy raising my children to think of them having their own one day.  I was a busy mom with much to do and I had lots on my mind.  Thinking into the future wasn't a part of that thought process.  Just getting by with day to day living kept me occupied.

I should have guessed it would happen, however, because when their father and I would go away for a little getaway or anniversary weekend, I would miss them--terribly.  I would be so excited for some much needed time away and then once there within just a couple of days I would feel my emotions get the best of me and the tears would start.  Slowly, running down my cheeks, hiding behind sunglasses--missing my children.  My husband would then know that it was time to head back towards home and my babies.  So, I ask you--why oh why would I not have those same feelings for my grandbabies?  You know, that I miss them so much feeling, that my heart is breaking feeling when they (or I) pull out of the driveway?  I guess I should have known that I would love them just as much, and miss them even more.

Eventually, my little kiddos grew up.  I managed that pretty well, I tried hard to get used to the whole empty nest thing (which sucks by the way) and then one day they had children themselves.  Yep, grandkids.  I was hoping that I'd be immune to those same old emotions.  You know, the attachment emotions.  The crybaby emotions, the ones that feel like your heart is being ripped in two every time you have to say goodbye.  I hate goodbyes.  Sometimes I wish they'd all sneak off in the night.  I'd wake up to an empty house and I could pretend they had just gone to the store or something.  No, I wouldn't want that either.  I need to say goodbye.  I guess I need closure.  I guess I'm one of those.  A crybaby grandma who needs that last hug before the final car pack up and then heading for home.

Yes, I am grandma crybaby.  It's hard on me.  I feel so sad when I'm not around my little grandkids more often.  I have 5 so far--I'm praying for more.  Why?  Because I have never known such joy as when I am with them--just talking with them, or rocking them, snuggling, singing or reading to them--my little ones, I love them.  They are the joy of my life.  And, when I think about it, maybe I wouldn't know that joy the way I know it now if it weren't for the fact that I get to see them only every few weeks.  I think that maybe, just maybe, I appreciate them a little bit more.  Sometimes I think about what my life would be like without them--how empty it would feel and I am grateful then for every moment I get to spend with them.   I think to myself--at least I have grandkids or kids for that matter.  I guess I should be thankful.  And I am.  Very thankful.  So, I'll sit here and cry and miss my little grandchildren and hope that they one day they might feel the same way about me.

grandbabies at the beach