Years ago when I was a little girl probably around 9 years old or so my mother signed my sister and me up for swimming lessons. I'll let you in on a little secret--I don't really like the water. Oh, I love Looking at water, I love boats, and oceans, seas, rivers and lakes--but just to look at. Not to get in. Not to swim in. I love to lay out in the sun, I love riding in slow boats, I love walking along docks or piers, but that's where water and I part ways. You see, I never know what's under there, under water. Are there big ugly fish? Are there dirty gross junky things? And what about monsters? Those were the things I would think about when I was a little girl and honestly still do.
I have found that there can be dark, ugly things way down under water. And once when I was little I got caught down there. I accidentally got a little too far out in the deep end, and panic took over. I began to tread water like never before, my chin couldn't reach the top, I was so afraid, so scared, all I could think about was making it to safety. I did, I eventually found my way to the side of the pool. I had made it, I was safe. I was also determined never to let that happen to me again. But, of course, it did. I kept trying to learn to swim. Really I did. Years of swimming lessons--all for nothing. Water and I just don't mix. We just don't. I hate being under water.
I guess I'm thinking about that time right now because as an adult I've periodically had those same feelings of fear and yet I've been nowhere near water. It's just that it felt that way. Like the time when my nephews died. I couldn't breathe and didn't know what to do. I felt panic, fear, and yes, I felt just as if I were under water again. I kept reaching out for the side of the pool, hoping, praying desperately that someone would rescue me. I wanted it to be over. I wanted to feel safe again. I hate being under water.
Or like the time I had to move away from my children. Floating helplessly, deep under water. I needed to be rescued. I had no one to talk to, no one to share the pain with that I was going through. No one to understand--not really. My friends would tell me to just pray, to just give it to God, they would placate me with platitudes. I hated that, it seemed to just push me further down under the deep dark water. And yes, what they were saying was the truth. But I didn't want them to tell me. I wanted God to tell me. I wanted Him to rescue me himself. I know that sounds strange. But, the only way I can describe it is that I needed Him down there with me. Down under water. I needed to see Him, to feel Him, to know that He had me and that He'd never let me go. He did you know--have me. I just didn't realize it at the time. He had me all along.
I'm a survivor by nature. That's just how God has made my personality. I'm a tough little cookie. I might fall apart for a short time, but somehow I always manage to eventually make it over to the side of the pool, so to speak. I hold on for dear life. I grab the hand that is being held out to me and I hang on and I never let go. I hate going under water. Sometimes though, it's necessary. Sometimes there are lessons to be learned. Sometimes we have to learn to swim. Or at least learn that it's OK to be rescued. It's OK to depend on others, especially God. For every time I've been under water, He's always reached His hand down and softly whispered--hang on to me. Sometimes I could not hear Him through my screaming and panic and fear. Sometimes I could not feel Him through my tough coat of protective armor, and sometimes I could not even see Him through my tightly clenched eyes. And yet, He was there, He was near, He held out his hand, He protected me while I was under water.
Maybe I don't need to ever learn to swim--maybe I just need to learn to trust. Yes, that's my real need. I need to just trust Him. Because when I've been down there, deep under water, God had exposed my very soul to me. He has shown me what is truly going on in the deepness of my heart. The things He wants to change in me. The things He wants to do in my life. The very thoughts He wants me to think--rest in Him, trust in Him, believe in Him, lean on Him, hold on tightly to Him, I think I get it now. I think I finally see what He's doing--He'll never let me drown, ever. Even when I'm under water. I think I get it now. I hope.
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