Goodbye Old Friend

I haven't written much lately, my blogging, Facebooking, and emailing have slowly come to a halt.  I've been a little down in the dumps.  I haven't had a lot to say.  Truthfully I've been a little sad.  I haven't even really talked about it to anyone other than my husband for fear of crying.  You see, a couple of weeks ago an old high school friend of mine passed away.  She died of a massive heart attack.  56 years old, seemingly healthy, tall and thin--so why her?   Why so young?  She was a wife, a mom, a grandma--she had so many years left to live.  And that bothers me, that makes me sad.  Why her?  And then that ever looming question--am I next?  I'm not going to play games here, I did think that.  That question has popped into my head several times.  I can't help it, it did!  I also thought about my husband--is he next?  Could it happen to one of us?  And frankly, these questions scare me.  I'm just being honest here, please don't judge me.  Those thoughts, whether good or bad keep coming to my mind.

But getting back to my friend--she was so nice. And even though we weren't super close back in school I always remembered her as being one of the nice ones.  Actually, now that I really think about it--they were all nice.  I've mentioned before that I went to an all-girls Catholic high school.  Our class was small by high school standards.  There were only 100 or so of us.  So, I guess we were closer than most girls our age.  We didn't really have that mean girl factor.  At least I don't remember one.  Yes, we all had our own groups, there were those we gravitated to more than others, however, we were all kind to one another.  We smiled and made room for each other.  That's it.  We made room for each other.  We accepted each other, no matter our ethnic background, religion (I was Protestant) or sexual leaning.  Yes, we all had a good idea who was who even way back then.  But, it didn't matter.  We were accepting, kind, loving and well, maybe we were in some small way family.

I think I am finally coming to terms with my friend's death.  It's been a couple of weeks now.  I am analytical by nature, so I had to process this sadness.  I've had to grapple with the fact that one of us, one of my friends/family/girls has passed away.  My memories of her are good.  She was sweet.  She was kind.  She had a beautiful smile.  And I know that she was still that way because I ran into her just a few months ago while visiting back in my hometown.  She was sitting with her family at a local restaurant, I looked over and thought--could that be her?  So, over I went.  Is that you?  I asked.  And sure enough, it was.  She jumped up and gave me a big hug.  We chatted for a few minutes and then it was time for us to part--I had friends who were waiting for me, I had to leave.  I thought I'd be seeing her in a few months at a little get-together that I was planning for our high school friends.  I thought I'd see her later.  But I never will.  And that makes me so sad.

I wonder sometimes what my friends memories of me will be when I am gone.  Will they have good, fond memories?  Will they remember the same things about me that I remember about my friend?  Will they be sweet memories?  I sure hope so.  I hope that I have been a good friend.  One that hasn't been judgmental, or unkind, one that has been supportive and loyal.

I think this is my prayer today.  Lord, make me a good friend to my good friends.  Teach me through this sad time to always be a wonderful friend.  One who is kind and loving, supportive and loyal.  So that one day their memories of me will be sweet memories, just like my memories--of my old friend.