Death

I'll never understand death.  I'll never pretend to.  It is the one mystery of life that paralyzes me with fear.
I believe that if I had never experienced love--I would never fear death.  Unfortunately, I have loved and still love, so therefore I fear.  It is a huge fault of mine.  God says fear not--so I try not to fear, I try so hard and fail so miserably.  The words that surround the term death are at best unusual to me.  We say we have lost someone or they have passed.  I don't understand those terms.  Where have they passed on to?  Why are they lost?  Will I see them again?  Those people whom I love.  Why do I cry?  Will I ever stop?

You see, my friend's daughter died today.  I do not like hearing the words that she is lost.  Or that she has passed.  She died.  And my friend is crying and broken--I am sure of this.  Her son died just a few months earlier.  Why?  Why has she had to bury 2 of her children?  And what about the baby she buried 30 years ago?  I don't understand.  My heart is sad for her.  I think it might be broken.
And I think of my younger sister who has also buried 2 sons, and I think of my older sister who years ago buried a daughter--I have stood at their graves.  Do they know?  Do they know how much I cry?  For them and for their parents?

And what is my part in death?  That is what I am grappling with tonight, as I sit here and pray for the hearts of the ones I love and care so deeply for.  I do not want them to be in pain, I wish that I could take away the agony but I know that I can't.  So what can I do?  What do I say?  Words cannot make their pain go away.  However, I can pray.  And I can trust.  I can hang on--for them when they can't hang on for themselves.  In my circle, we call it standing in the gap.  When you can't do it for yourself, someone who loves you comes alongside and stands for you while holding you up with all their might and strength.  That's what I do.  I stand in the gap.  And if it means that I stand all night and all day and pray, then I will.  I will help.  I will be there.  You are not alone.  Not ever.  I can pray, and I will.

Even though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death we will fear no evil for our God is with us.