Sometimes when I pray, I don't get an answer. Other times, I hear from God right away. It's the times that I don't hear him, or feel him, or get that answer I so desperately need--well, that bothers me. I wonder, why isn't he speaking to me? I find myself praying even harder, spending that much more time in prayer, seeking him, begging him really, to answer me. I assure him that I can handle the answer, whether or not it's what I want to hear--I guess in a sense, I am reasoning with him. Oh, what he must think! I can just imagine him patting me on my little girl head and saying--don't worry, I've got this handled--you're on a need to know basis.
It's the other times though that I want to talk about. The times when he does answer me. When I get that yes or no or wait--that something to hang on to. The times when I hear that still small voice that calls me by name and says to me--here is your answer. I got one of those the other night. And it blew me away.
I need to be extremely honest here and say that I had lost hope. Just a little bit. I think I was mentally trying to come to terms with the fact that I just might not ever see or get what I was praying for. I was wondering if I'd have to go my entire life without ever knowing--was my prayer answered? I know, I'm a little weird, but that is what I thought. So, when the answer to my prayer came, I was surprised. I had reconciled myself to not knowing. I guess I was just protecting my heart. I do that sometimes. OK, all the time.
What happened is this. I read a phrase in a book. A verse. And then through God speaking to my heart, I discovered a different way to interpret that verse. It was in that moment as if time had stopped--just long enough for my little brain to wrap itself around this new concept. In that short amount of time--my world changed. Hope soared through my heart. And at the same time, I felt a little dumb and a little giddy. Why hadn't I noticed that before? Why hadn't I read that simple little twist? I think I know why now. After spending a couple of weeks analyzing and processing what I discovered, I think I know why. It's God's timing. I'm convinced of that. It's all about God's timing. It's all about when we need to know. I didn't need that bit of information until now. However, I guess I was desperate. And in my desperation and need for an answer from my God--the only one with the answers--he heard my cries and he showed me something in his word that not only gave me hope but changed my perspective concerning certain things. How awesome is that?
Have you ever read the story of the prodigal son? I was raised on it. I'd heard it told every which way. I can recite that story like nobodies business. And I'd like to say right here and now--I was the good one, the faithful one, the one who never left, who always obeyed and who was always faithful. Yes, I was that one. Or so I thought.
You see, in the story, the father was so happy that the prodigal son had returned, that he was alive, and not dead. That he wasn't lost. He was just happy to be with him. To have him back home safe and sound. This father loved his sons so much. And right then and there, right after once again reading this story for the billionth time, I heard it--his voice. He said to me--you've been both sons, and I've always loved you, always gone after you, always protected you, always wanted you near me. You are my child. Of course, I immediately began to cry. I've been both, I thought? And you loved me anyway? The feelings of love and acceptance that flowed through my heart right then brought me to my knees. He loves me no matter what. No matter what I do, think, or act. God loves me. And he wants me back.
I thought of my own children then. I will tell you this--there isn't anything they could ever do that would or could make me love them any less. My love for them is unconditional. Period. I love my kids, I would give my life for them. And I would always welcome them back--just happy that they are home, and safe. Yes, I would throw them a huge party. And even if the other kids were a little bit jealous, I would say to them--I love all of you. I always will. There is nothing that will ever change that fact.
After having this very special moment with God--for that is about all the time it took, a moment--I felt a peace and a rest overtake my heart. I thought of those whom I deeply love and care for, friends and family who have walked away from God, and I knew then--he will always love them, he will always go after them, he will always protect them. For he is God, he is their father, and he loves them unconditionally. They are safe, he will take care of them. I relaxed into the very arms of my father, and I knew--he loves them. And in that moment I had hope again.
I wonder if this is what hope truly looks like?
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