He was gone--in Africa. I was home--alone. No one was around, and it was late at night. I put on some music, sat in my rocking chair and began to ponder life--alone. Now don't get me wrong here, I don't mean life alone without God or friends or family, I just mean life alone without my spouse-- without him. We've been a couple for almost 42 years now. So, you have to agree with me that with him gone, my life would be different. Completely different. And that was the thought I pondered. What would my life be like--alone?
He had been gone for several days by then, and I had established a routine of sorts. I went through the motions of everyday life, and as I mentioned above--this time around, I actually thought about it...what if this were to become my forever routine?
I am not going to sugarcoat this for you, no, I am going to be as honest as I can be here. I do not ever want to experience what I experienced in those very few moments of time. I do not ever want to be without him, 2 weeks alone is one thing, but life? The rest of my life? Well, that would be quite another. As I sat there crying, and allowing myself a short time of grieving for my perceived loss, I felt so incredibly lonely. So very alone that in fact, I felt a chill descend upon me. I sat there rocking, crying, cold, and alone. I felt right then and there as though I too, had died. And it was then that I realized that all there would be left of me if anything were to ever happen to him--is half of me.
Yes, I could go on, go on living. I am a very independent person. I am strong. I am brave--kind of. I know that God would comfort me, help me, and never leave me--I know these things. I would learn over time to go through the motions of life. However, nothing would ever be the same for me again. We've been together too long for that now. We've never been apart for more than 2 weeks at a time, and even through times spent apart, we are in constant contact and communication. We are, what some of my friends call--attached at the hip, and we are OK with that. We like being together. So, how could I possibly function without him? This is the question that I pondered that night, for just a few short minutes, for just a small increment of time--yes, I indulged myself in some pretty morbid thoughts.
That was awhile ago--and I'm over it now. I won't do that again. The experience was a little too real for me. It was too hard to handle, to think about, to contemplate. However, now I know. That if or when anything ever happens to him, if or when he is taken from me--well, no matter how I look or seem or act...you will only ever really be getting half of me. That's all that will remain. Because the day he is gone, the day he dies, the day we are separated in this life together--that will be the day that there is only half of me. I see that now. I will carry on with only half of my heart. I will always honor my husband. And I will lean hard into Christ and trust him. I will make it through the rest of my life. With only half of me.
Ephesians 5:31
The Message (MSG)
29-33 No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.
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