It's Almost time

In just a few days or maybe a few weeks the time will come when my father takes his last breath.  It's hard for me to even process this fact--that we all die.  We all return from the place where we came.  Dust to dust.  Yes, it's so very hard to even contemplate death--for me anyway.

A couple of weeks ago I flew home to California to visit with my parents, and to say goodbye to my father one last time.  I was concerned that he wouldn't know who I was, but he did, he knew.  When I asked him how many daughters he had, he answered, and when I asked him if he knew who I was, he whispered--number 1 daughter.  

It was hard for me.  Seeing him in his hospital bed, so frail and weak.  I desperately tried to get him to eat something and to drink a little milk or juice--anything to give him some strength.  He wanted nothing, he just kept saying that he was in pain, that his back hurt and that he wanted to lie down.  The nurses had him sitting up in a wheelchair at that point and he was in so much pain.  He begged to be taken back to bed.  It was heartbreaking.

Over the course of a week, each day was different.  One day he wouldn't talk at all and was only able to make guttural sounds as he tried to communicate his needs, and the next day he would be sitting up and able to speak in 1 to 3-word phrases, I never knew what the day would bring.  As painful as it was for me to witness, I believe that it was even more painful for him to watch me in such a mournful state.  At one point he asked for a tissue as big tears rolled down his cheeks as he watched me cry.  I knew then that I had to get it together, for the sake of my dad, I had to get my emotions in check and be strong for him and my mom.

Each night back at our hotel, I would lay in the arms of my husband and sob.   I am so thankful for him and will be forever grateful for his kindness and understanding during this time.  He has been my rock, the only one that I can talk to and the only one who understands.

The week went by quickly and once again I was back to my reality, my life, my family.  I was able to turn off the thoughts and emotions and go throughout my day.  I have been calling my mother daily to keep on top of the health of my dad and each day he grows worse.  I live on pins and needles waiting for that dreaded and yet anticipated phone call.

Mostly, my heart breaks for my mom.  She is alone now.  Her best friend, her husband of 63+ years is no longer able to live with her.  She is all by herself.  No companion, no partner in crime, no best friend to sit and watch late night TV with.  She is alone.  I think that is what bothers me the most.  Her loss.  Not mine.  Not my sisters.  Not anyone else.  Just her.  My heart breaks for her.

I know that one day I will see my dad again in heaven.  I am a Christian, and so is he.  We have that peace, that assurance that we will one day be reunited.  We don't live with a fear of death.  We look forward to seeing God and being in His presence.  It's comforting to us.

It's this time on earth that's a little disconcerting for me.  This time of space that's in-between.  Death for him, life for me.  I know that once I also die, we'll see each other again.  However, what about that in-between time?  What do we do with that time?  What will my mom do?  That's what I am most concerned about.  How do I comfort her?  What do I say?  It's so hard not living close to them.  I feel so guilty, and yet, isn't this where God moved me?

To say that my family needs, no covets your prayers is an understatement.  My mom needs prayer in coping with the impending death of her husband, my father.  My sister needs prayer in coping with the care of my mom, and I need prayer in coping with the guilt of not living in California.  My father also needs your prayers.  Please pray that he goes quickly, and pain-free.  Pray that both my parents find peace in God's perfect will.  It's almost time.