At the beginning of this year, our pastor asked us to pray about God giving us a "word of the year", mine was service. I heard God speak this word very clearly to my heart. Service. I wondered what that would look like. I assumed I'd be pretty busy, with a word like service. There were several areas of ministry I was already involved in, so I felt pretty good. I was already doing service. I thought.
However, once again, on that very last worship service at Triennial, that last Sunday morning, just when I thought I was safe, God spoke one more thing into my heart. He said to me--I want you to be available. And I quickly answered--I am available--don't you remember, my word for the year is service. I thought maybe He had forgotten. No, I didn't. I knew He hadn't forgotten.
I thought this blog would be one of the easiest to write, but I think now it just might be the hardest because I found that before I could be available, I had to come clean before the Lord. I had to be honest. You see, I had tucked something so far deep down into my heart that I didn't even realize it was there. I was holding on to a hurt, a disappointment, and I needed that area of my life purged before I could be completely available, or totally surrendered to God.
Here's what I was holding onto. Anger. I was mad at God. Want to know why? Because He moved me away from my kids and grandkids. I now live 6 hours away from my 2 sons and their families and 12 hours away from my daughter and her family, and I hate it. I tried so hard to push that anger way down deep, far away from me, and I tried hard not to dwell on something that right now I can not change. I seriously thought I had done it, that I was managing quite well. After all, didn't I constantly talk about how much I love my home, my neighborhood, my church and my new little town? Well, didn't I? I asked God these things as He exposed my true self to me. He told me that try as I had, I still harbored anger. I blamed Him for ripping me away from my family. And in blaming Him, everything I did--was half-hearted. And God doesn't want half of my heart, He wants all of my heart.
So there I was, once again tears streaming down my face, asking God to forgive me and heal my heart. And He did that day. He healed my sad little broken heart--the one that misses her kids and grandkids so much sometimes--that when I am all alone, all I do is cry. I really don't know how to explain this part, but He has put an assurance deep inside of me that He has everything under control, and that if I will just trust Him and serve Him and be available to Him--with ALL my heart, He'll bless me, and take care of me and heal those sad little parts of my heart. He'll make me whole. I just needed to hand all that over to Him, and so I did. Right there in that service, I lifted up my hands to Him and said--wherever, whatever, however God, I am yours, and I surrender it all to you.
I am now available to be used by God, for His glory at any time. I am His and He is mine. And I will serve Him and love Him and honor Him with all I've got. I am still walking around my house in utter amazement over all that God accomplished in my life in those few short days in San Diego. Yes, Triennial was life changing for me. I am praying that 3 years from now 100 women from my little church are able to attend. I don't know how, but that's really not my problem, now is it? God will take care of the logistics, and my job is clear, I'm going to pray. And I'm just going to be available.
No comments:
Post a Comment