I've just returned from several days in San Diego at an event called Triennial. It is a women's conference with the Evangelical Covenant denomination--of which I am a member. While there--God spoke to me. He said 3 things, so I have decided to write 3 separate blogs covering in detail what I heard from God. Some or maybe even all won't make any sense to you. It does to me, however. He knew just what to say to get my attention and get my attention he did. Yes, I can say that last week God changed my life. So I will break this down into 3 parts and hopefully, I'll be able to convey in words what happened to me from start to finish. It still blows me away, so it is difficult to write about. Please know that I am crying my eyes out as I type. For God is so very real and alive.
It began something like this--I was in a bad mood. I'll call it a spiritual bad mood. Actually looking back I believe that I was under attack. I had recently crunched in the back bumper of my car backing out of a friend's driveway. I also (unrelated to the car incident) spent some time at my doctor's office, and physical therapy, and had to go on medication. Fortunately, by the time my plane left for the west coast, my car was in the shop and I was off the meds. I, however, couldn't seem to shake the mood. I was kind of blah. Other descriptive words might include--discouraged, saddened, very much a what's the use attitude. Only I didn't know it at the time. I wasn't even aware that I was going through this spiritual bad mood, let alone that I was under attack. I'm kind of dumb that way.
I arrived in San Diego ready to have some fun. That's just what I needed I thought--fun! My friend and I went shopping, went on a trolly tour, and out to dinner, we were having a great time. And yet. There remained a deep sadness in my heart. And I just couldn't shake it. I wondered--why was I here?
The conference started on a Thursday night--worship, singing, a great message by our very own pastor's wife, who is also president of our women's ministry. It was so exciting to see 850 women praising God, hands lifted, voices joined in song--it should have been awesome. Only it wasn't. I still felt blah. I tried hard to shake it, only I couldn't. And that evening while others stayed around afterward to chat, I went back to my room to pray. I kept asking God--what in the heck is wrong with me? Am I just tired? Am I just not feeling you here? What is up with that??? Nothing. I heard nothing. So, I decided to just keep on keeping on.
The next morning we headed off for another time of worship, some workshops, and another evening of worship. Nothing changed. It wasn't as though it was bad. Quite the opposite. It was great. It was just me, I wasn't feeling it. Not at all. Again that evening rather than hang out and chit chat with the others, I went back to my room and prayed. Please, God, I said--show yourself to me. Talk to me. Speak to me! I am desperate! I sat there cross-legged on my bed, tears rolling down my face, waiting. Nothing. I heard nothing. So, I started talking. I began to tell God that I was kind of mad that he had brought me all the way out here and I had spent all that money and gave up quite a bit to be here and he wasn't even showing himself to me. I was in a bad mood, my car was crunched, my head hurt, my neck hurt, and I was so tired and I complained and complained and complained until I fell asleep.
I guess he heard me because the next morning as a young Mexican woman named Bianca got up to preach--well, all of a sudden God had my attention. I could hear him saying to me--can you hear me now! Yes, I said, I can hear you. And what he said to me while she was preaching took me so by surprise that I sat there dumbfounded. It was weird--I heard every word she said and I heard God speak at the same time. That was awesome. Anyway--this is what he said to me.
STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT.
I played dumb at first. Stop what? Oh, I knew. I knew. I just didn't want to admit it. But, as I sat there, right in the middle of 850 women, he spoke to me and he said those 2 words. They brought me up short. Kind of like when you are training a dog on a choke chain. Swift, straight up, fast, and with authority. I knew what he was talking about. Oh yes, I did. I use the analogy of dog training for a reason. I've trained several dogs, and have always used the same technique. It remains the same, even though the personality of the dog might be different. Eventually, said puppy will respond to the training, some just take longer than others. Take the dog I now own. Teaching that dog the down command was the hardest thing I've ever done. I've always trained my dogs not only with verbal words but also hand signals. From 50 ft away, if I signal my dog, she had better hit the ground. Down means down. I thought of all that while God was speaking to me. Stop it means to stop it.
So, what did he want me to stop? Well, he wanted me to stop playing church. Only not in the way one might think. Nope, the opposite way. Some people play all holy, holy, churchy, churchy. I was doing the opposite and he wanted me to stop it. This is so hard to explain, however, I will try.
I was raised in the Assemblies Of God denomination. Pentecostal. Loud. Pray-ers. Hands raised. Lots of freedom in worship. Crying. Open adoration before God. Fiery. Bold. Unashamed. But, a few years ago, we started going to a Covenant church. We became members and depending on where we've lived, we've either gone to one or the other. AG or Cov. Right now we are at a Covenant church. It's a quiet, sweet little church, full of the most awesome people you'd ever want to meet. They have hearts of gold and would do anything for me. And because of this--for this very reason, I need to come clean before them and ask them to forgive me. I have not been real. I have not been authentic. I have been playing church. You see--I've been holding back, as to not offend them. I wanted them to like me. I wanted them to accept me. And honestly, I didn't want to come off too holy, holy. And God wants me to STOP IT.
So, as Bianca was preaching and moving out in the spirit of God, and ministering to those women, God told me that like her, I move in those same giftings. Only I was hiding. I was trying hard to be sly about being used by God. And he doesn't like that. So, I'm done being shy, I'm done hiding.
God is calling me to worship him with my whole heart. Whether it offends them or not. Whether it makes them feel uncomfortable or not. So now, instead of just slightly raising one hand while worshiping, if he says to get both those hands up there girl! I will. If he says to me--fall on your knees and worship me, right there smack dab in the middle of church--I will. I will STOP IT and I will praise him with all I've got. They might not like it, but I have to be obedient. I have to. So I will.
I am a Spirit filled, Pentecostal, Charismatic, crazy church lady. That's who I really am, and I'm not going to hide it any longer. They might be kicking me out soon, but I will praise my God with my whole heart, tears running freely down my face, hands raised high, face turned towards God--for he is mighty, and I love him and I love to pray (and here I will add--I don't just love to pray a little--I love to pray a lot), and I love to sing and worship more than anything else in this entire world. And I am no longer going to hold back while I am in church. I'm going to STOP IT.
Yes, this is part 1. Parts 2 and 3 are even crazier. Hold on to your hats. He spoke 2 more things into my heart over the next two sermons. I'll write about them soon, I promise. In the mean time pray for me. Pray that I can shed these inhibitions of mine and that I am obedient to the call on my life.
And pray for my sweet little church. I just love those people with my whole heart. And I'm not going anywhere. I'm on them like white on rice! I'm here and I'm ready to be used by God.
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