Fearless

I've decided to share something.  I am being completely vulnerable, I am leaving myself open to criticism.  So I guess in a sense, I am afraid.  No.  I am not afraid, that's why I'm sharing.  I'll need to remind myself of that later.

I've been told that I am brave, that I have a certain--confidence, and that I am a fearless person--to some extent.  However, please understand that what I share with you does not mean that I live a life empty of fear.  I do not.  I just chose to live my life fearlessly, based on something that I experienced years ago.

I was (please note the was) afraid of the dark--as a child and also as an adult.  I was married, with children and approaching my 30's when my fear of darkness came to an ugly head.  My husband's job was demanding more and more travel, that meant nights away and believe me when I tell you--that meant nights of no sleeping for me.  The dark circles under my eyes should have given this phobia away, however, I hid my fear well.  Not from my husband, of course, he found out early on about my fears.  They pretty much consumed me.  I am very thankful that he did not ridicule me--instead if I needed to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, he would get up and turn the light on for me.  I was that afraid of the dark.  Never could a room be completely without light, there always had to be a small crack left to illuminate the darkness that surrounded me at night.  When darkness fell, my terror came alive.  I do not know why.  I have no answer.  It just happened and had been happening from the time I was a small child.  It might have come from a movie or television show.  My guess is as good as yours.  I do know though, that is was real and it was terrifying and it was taking over my life--this horrible fear of the dark.

At that time I was attending a women's Bible study at my church.  As I sat there week after week being taught about God answering prayers, about healing, and miracles etc, I began to wonder--would He answer my prayer?  Would He deliver me from this horrible fear of mine?  Would He even care enough--after all who was I to even ask?  One day those questions were fiercely bubbling up inside of me and as we were asked if we had any prayer needs before I could grab my hand back down, it shot up into the air and I blurted out--please pray for me!  I began to sob as I told them about my fear of the dark.  I was mortified that I had just shared my darkest secret.  My shame.  After all I was a Christian, wasn't I?  Where was my faith?  Where was my trust in God?  I just knew they were judging me.

As I sat there crying though, I looked up and noticed that the entire room of women had surrounded me.  Somewhere between 30-40 pairs of loving arms and sympathetic eyes were kneeling before me ready to pray.  I have never felt so much love, kindness, and understanding in my life--not before nor since.  I cried, they prayed, and we stayed that way for a very long time.  Those are my real friends.  Those who prayed with me and stayed until the job was done.  They didn't need to say one word, they didn't need to placate me with verses from the Bible, they didn't need to share their own fears that day--no, all they needed to do was pray for me and show me with their kind actions that they were standing with me in the midst of my fears.

I went home that day feeling as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, but I can't lie.  I wondered what nightfall would bring.  My husband was on a business trip once again.  So, that night I opened my Bible to the book of Psalms chapter 91 and I read it and then laid it opened on my nightstand--

Psalm 91

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.^[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

³ Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
¹⁰ no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ “Because he^[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

When I woke up the next morning I realized that I had slept the whole night through.  No fear--fearless.
God had heard my cry, God had answered my prayer, God had given me the most peaceful night's sleep that I had ever had.  I cried.  I really did.  I felt so loved in that moment.  I wondered--had I really been healed?  Yes, yes I had.  No more sleepless nights.  No more fear of the dark.  It was gone.

Why share this?  Because I believe that when God does something miraculous in our lives we need to share it.  We need to let others know.  I learned something that day--we all have fears.  And, there is not a thing we can do about it in and of ourselves.  However, I serve an almighty God--who can do anything!

Fearless?  Now I am!  I can sleep in the pitch dark, I can walk through a dark house, I can go to the bathroom alone by myself--without the light on, I can stay home alone at night without giving it a second thought.

And if you don't think that's a miracle--then I don't know what one is!  I am one very thankful fearless child of God.  I am absolutely convinced that God allowed what I went through to happen to me for a reason.  Nothing could make me think otherwise.  There is nothing He can't do.  I know--I've asked.