What I've Learned

 I’ve learned a lot this past year. From July to July—yes, life-changing things. 

I’ve learned that you never heal from the death of a loved one. You learn to live with the grief. It walks by your side, everywhere. 

I’ve learned that crying every day is hard, stressful, and tiring.

I’ve learned that I hide my emotions now in public so as not to upset my friends.

I’ve learned not to talk about it for fear of breaking down and crying.

I’ve learned to fake a smile; it’s not as hard as you think.

I’ve learned to say that I am fine, thank you.

I’ve learned that the first thing I remember each morning is that my grandson has died.

I’ve learned that I feel hollow inside. 

I’ve learned that not everyone cares.

I’ve learned that some care a lot. 

I’ve learned that all day, every day, I think of him.

I’ve learned that 90% of the time, I am sad.

I’ve learned that to still my sadness, I must keep extremely busy.

I’ve learned that business calms me, while it makes others nervous.

I’ve learned that I talk to God throughout the day more often now, and that must mean what it means to “pray without ceasing.” 

I’ve learned that keeping my mind busy is very important. 

I’ve learned that TV, reading, and projects must now dominate my life.

I’ve learned that sleep is my only rest.

I’ve learned that writing about it helps.

I’ve learned that I now live in a constant state of fear of losing someone I love, because now it is real. 

I’ve learned to buy boxes of tissues in packs of 4. It’s cheaper.

I’ve learned to plan away each day, so that I don’t drown in sorrow.

I’ve learned that it’s essential to walk through each stage of grief and embrace it full on.

I’ve learned not to isolate—friends are essential.

I’ve also learned the importance of family. I’ve leaned into some and moved away from others, depending on the nature of the relationship. 

And I’ve learned that sharing is crucial, because somewhere out there is someone else in pain, grieving deeply, barely holding onto God each day. Please know—I am here for you, I will pray for you, and I hope, in some small way, to encourage you to keep getting up each day. Face the hard truths of life, don’t give up. Be there for another person. Be caring, thoughtful, a listener, and a friend. 

These are just a few of the things I’ve learned about myself this past year. I hope that next year will be easier; however, I somehow don't feel optimistic about it. Does that sound pessimistic? Probably. I am being honest, though, which is why I am writing this. To be real. And to share with you what I’ve learned.

Life is hard right now. Very hard. That's what I've learned about it anyway.