He's With Me

I intended to write a blog with a different name—one entitled “Not Yet.” It was all written in my head, every last word. I was looking for some free time but was too busy to sit down and pour my heart out on these pages. As the days went by, something took place. So, “Not Yet” is being put on the back burner for now, and I will share it with you some other time. However, something quite unbelievable happened to me, which is what I will write about.

Seven months have gone by now without my grandson Jack. I miss him every moment of every day. I think of him first thing when I wake up. I then have a horrible thought. Why did I have to wake up, why couldn’t I have just drifted off in death—that is how sad I have been. As I’ve said before, I didn’t just lose a grandson, I have lost my daughter. The one that was always cheerful, laughing, and full of life. Now, she is full of sadness, and it breaks my heart. So, as a mom and grandmother, I am suffering two deaths. And honestly wouldn’t have minded my own. It’s been that hard.

Yesterday was a tough morning for me. I woke up depressed, missing Jack, thinking about having to fake my way through another week of being out and about with friends. I’ve been going to lunches, dinners, book club, playing canasta, etc. I just recently started going back to church and our weekly Bible study. My heart wasn’t there, but my body was. I was going through the motions to make others happy. They don’t worry about you if you fake it until you make it. Right? As far as my friends knew—I was getting better. But, no—I wasn’t. In my heart it feels as though Jack died yesterday. That’s how fresh this pain is. If I shared that with friends though, they’d most likely think—she needs to get over it. She needs to move on. News break—I’ll never get over it. Ever. Well, until yesterday, when everything changed.

Whether you chose to believe me or not, I am going to share what happened to me. It sounds unbelievable. And, I can see how it would sound that way to someone who doesn't believe in God. But, it happened—to me—and it was so very real. I was sitting on the edge of my bed, crying my heart out, blowing my nose, trying to get myself together to leave the bedroom and meet the day with a smile. I have gotten good at that. Smile, act happy, look ok, put make up on, and go! I needed just a few more minutes—I wasn’t praying (I haven’t been doing much of that, I’ve been so angry with God), I was sitting and crying. And then I heard it. I heard God speak to me. Not loudly, and not too softly. Just in a matter of fact voice that penetrated my significantly hardened heart. Not an audible voice. He spoke to my head and heart simultaneously. I heard it as if it were audible though. It was that clear and that real. He said—He’s with me. And then, as though I could see a picture in my mind, I saw God with his arm around Jack's shoulder. They were facing away from me, looking out. Jack was not sad at all, he was very content to stand with his God and enjoy his new life. I knew then that he had no idea of us here on earth, not our grief or sadness, he was only aware of God. And he was happy and content. 

As I sat there in complete amazement, it dawned on me that I was no longer crying and filled with the most euphoric feeling I have ever had. I was happy for the first time in seven months. I know how this sounds. If you were sharing it with me, I’m not sure I’d believe you. 

It’s funny to me that the first thing I wanted to do was run to my computer and blog about it. I did not allow myself that indulgence though. I made myself wait for 24 hours. I wanted to see how long this happiness would last. Just how long would I continue to believe that God had shown me something that miraculous? Would I wake up this morning feeling stupid? Will I be sad again today?  Would I feel differently? So, I made myself wait. 

I am writing and sharing now and telling you how real that experience was, whether you believe me or not. My Jack is happy, and he’s with God. For that reason, I can now be glad, too. 

I don’t pretend to understand the way God works or why certain people live long lives, and some short lives. I don’t have answers. And while I wanted answers before, I don’t need them now. Jack is happy. 

I prayed this morning—I mean, really prayed. I thanked God for everything, and I felt happiness and gratitude. The anger was gone, and believe me, I was in shock. I have not felt that way in months, only sadness and anger. 

It’s gone now, though—especially the anger. I am aware that I might experience some sadness at times, and I am preparing myself for those times. I wonder how sad I can be when he’s with God.

I am looking forward to seeing Jack when God’s timing is right for me to go. Until then, I will serve God, pray, and be joyful again. I will let the excitement build in my heart for that time. Thank you, God, for Jack being with you and for being so happy. Thank you for showing me that and, in turn, making me happy. Thank you for loving me so much and healing my broken heart. And thank you for telling me—he’s with me.