Last Year

A lot can happen in a year. Your life can change instantly, never to be the same again. That's what happened to me and my family. Last year, we celebrated Thanksgiving with all 16 family members, including 8 grandchildren. This year, one person is missing: our grandson Jack. Last year, I was looking forward to the holidays. This year, I am not. 

Everything changed so quickly. I still haven't been able to catch my breath. This year, my grandson Jack will not be here with us. Just the thought of it is horrific. You see, no one told me he wouldn't be here. I didn't even get time to prepare myself. Last year, I didn't get to say--well, this is our last holiday season together, so let's make the most of it. I just took it for granted that he'd be here--celebrating. Instead, he is in heaven. Most likely, very thankful and grateful for that. However, we (as a family) are having a challenging time with it. We want him back. We miss him. 

We will still have our dinners, watch movies, go shopping, and eat out—all the usual holiday activities. But without Jack, these activities aren't normal. They are now abnormal—as in, not fun. We miss him. 

Now, when I set the table, there is one vacant seat—one person is missing. When I go shopping and see things he'd love, I can't buy them. And restaurants? We don't want to go without him when looking for that favorite restaurant. I mean--we are all about food. Just how are we supposed to navigate that? It's so hard. How do we enjoy life again without him?

I have gone through the motions of living out this holiday season. I have decorated my home. I have made the family favorites for dinner. I have baked the pies and roasted the turkey. However, my heart is with Jack. I want to just sit and talk with him, and he's not here. And because of that, I have concluded that, at some point, I need to make some changes in my life. I need to spend more time with each grandchild--talking, laughing, and sharing. They need to feel special (and they are). They need to know how much I love them. I do all these things for them, too, and not just Jack. They are all so unique and loved and cherished. 

So no, things will not ever be the same again. It will not be like all the years past. Things are different now. There are future years yet to be determined. And I promise to make each one special so that this time next year, I might feel just a little bit of joy and maybe even more joy each year after that. So, no, it's different from last year. It's this year. A new year. I know that is what Jack would want. He'd like all of us to finish enjoying our lives here on earth for as long as God wants us here. So, I will. I'll do it for him.