My Giant

I can't get him off my mind.  Since yesterday morning, he's all I can think about.  When this happens (and yes, it does happen often) I pray.  I sit back and listen to the still voice of God.  And then I ask questions.  Lots of questions.

What is it about him that you want me to notice?  What did he do, and why did he do it?  Yes, I am sitting here in my family room, in my brown leather rocker, praying, typing, and rocking away.   Who am I talking/thinking about?  I'm talking about David. You know, the guy in the Bible.  The David and Goliath David.  I just can't stop thinking about him.

He was just a teenager you know--when he went up against Goliath.  It struck me again this morning--he was just a teenager!  I am wondering--would he have been so quick to volunteer to go up against Goliath had he been older and wiser and more knowledgeable, or maybe better educated, or steeped in tradition.  Had he been 40 or 50, would he have volunteered?  I'm not so sure.  In fact, I don't think he would have.  Why not?  Well, now that's a good question.  And that's what I'm pondering.

I believe the question God is asking me right now, right this very minute is--what are the giants in your life?  Yep, that's what He's saying to me alright.  He wants me to list the giants, the things deep down in my heart that looks too big for me to go up against.  And, I don't want to, I don't want to list them, or say them out loud or even acknowledge them.  Or maybe I should just say it.  I don't want to acknowledge that giant of mine because if I do, it becomes real.  And real giants are scary.  And I'm not David.  And I'm not young.  And I'm afraid of my giant.

My giant happens to be a person too.  Not like Goliath.  Not that type of person.  However, the metaphor is much the same.  I am thinking that if maybe I were younger I'd have a more invincible attitude, I'd be fearless.  But, I'm not younger.  I'm older.  I'm jaded.  And now I'm sad.  Saddened that this jaded heart of mine has given up.  Why am I so afraid to confront my giant?  And just when did that fear creep in?  I didn't even know it was there!  And yet--there it is.  Fear.  I am afraid of my giant.  It's right there in front of me, looking at me and daring me to come and slay it.  Metaphorically of course.

I know that God is with me--however, my educated, mature mind is telling me to back off, to be careful, to not say a wrong word, or do the wrong thing.  I can hear that inner voice--be careful, you just might offend someone, you might make them mad, you might lose them forever.  That's really what I'm afraid of--losing them forever.  When I deeply love someone, the last thing I want to do is lose them forever, right?

So, I'm careful, so very very careful.  I tell myself--don't say the wrong thing, don't dare slip up or take a stand or do anything that might push them away.  Be careful.  Be careful.  Be careful.

And then there's God's voice.  Be bold, be strong, for the Lord your God is with you!

Today, I must be a David.  I must take a stand, I must say and do the hard thing.  That is God's challenge for me.  Am I willing, can I do it?  I hope so.  Because right now, today, I feel stuck.  I read about the Davids of the Bible and I realize that I am no David.  Not by a long shot.  I do not have that feeling of invincibility or faith for that matter--where I can face the giants in my life and trust that God will be with me.

I do not want to be stuck, I do not want to walk a faithless walk.  Remember, I was the one who wanted to live a fearless life.  So what has happened to paralyze me with fear?  I think I know, no, I know I know.  It's just admitting it.  It boils down to saying it out loud, confessing it, asking God to forgive me, changing my attitude and walking in His true calling of my life.  It boils down to obedience.

What if David had said to the Lord--no God, I am afraid, I will not go up against Goliath.  We wouldn't have a story of faith now, would we?  No, we'd have a story of defeat.  And honestly, I can not handle the thought of my life being a story of defeat.  So I will pray, ask for strength, and I will know that God is present (and always will be) with me as I face the giant in my life.  This person, whom I love with all my heart, must be challenged.

Pray for me, as I summon up the courage to face my giant.  I desperately need God's wisdom and His words.  I need His guidance and His love and his timing, for it has to be precise.  Just like David's rock--it must land in the nick of time.  This person, this giant is walking on very shaky ground.  And if this person takes one more step away from God--I fear there will be no going back.  I fear for them, and their children.  Their very souls are in God's hands.  Please God, give me the courage to speak out for you.