Even The First Time

Sometimes I wonder if others can tell. I sit and contemplate my life, and I wonder about how I am perceived by those who do not know me. When they see me, do they know? Are they aware? And if they know, what exactly do they think about me? Are they drawn to me because of it, or are they repelled by it? I wonder about this all the time. What are their first impressions of me?

As I sat thoughtfully examining these questions, a few comparisons came to mind — I proudly wear my wedding ring, so people instantly know that I am married. And if one were to come into my home, they would find pictures all over my house of my children and grandchildren — they would soon find out that I am a mother and a grandmother. So, I guess some things are obvious, while others are not. Some take time. It's that time part that concerns me. During that duration of time--do people know? Are they getting a sense of who I really am? Or are they derailed in a sense by those dratted first impressions?

When others look at me, do they see in me how I really feel? Can they sense my failure? I don't measure up to feelings of insecurity? Or do they see in me what I've been taught? Do they see who I have become? Or, in my introspective attitude, do they think I am stand-offish? And in that same vein, am I too introspective? Rather than focusing on myself, shouldn't I focus on them? Or should I be more focused on myself?

This, to me, is what is called a conundrum--it truly is. I want others to see that I am a true believer. That I display in my humble life all the ways of God. I want them to know that I deeply feel compassion, love, acceptance, forgiveness, patience, kindness, and joy.

And yet, I feel as though I fail every day. I am worried that when they see me, they will see someone who is the opposite of everything above. I am so afraid of that. Because in my humanness, I have failed so many times. I wonder, too, how God can still love me. When time after time I run to Him and apologize for messing up once again. Why doesn't He throw in the towel, say I'm done with you, turn His back on me? Why? Can't He see how truly bad I am sometimes? Doesn't He hear me when all I do is complain, or whine, or get jealous? Unfortunately, my list of grumblings goes on and on. Why does He still love me and forgive me?

The only thing I have to compare His love to is the love I have for my own children. I would always forgive them and always love them, no matter what. There isn't anything they could ever do to rip that love from my heart. Nothing. Not one thing. It wouldn't matter to me what they did; I would love them, no matter the crimes or acts of violence they committed. I would love them unconditionally. They are my children, my flesh and bones. Nothing could ever change that. So, why then, I must ask myself--is God not capable of having an even greater love for me?

This is what I am thinking about today. His unfailing, unconditional love for me. I am grateful that He loves me, that He is patient with me, that He forgives me. I am thankful. And I love Him back. And I hope and pray that your first impression of me is just that. She loves her God with all of her heart. And nothing will ever change that. I hope that is what you see when you see me. Even the first time.