Disconnected

I feel it sometimes--that disconnected feeling, that separation from family and friends.  I'd like to lay blame on something or someone--however, how can I?  Should I blame my parents, my husband, myself?  God?  Or should I analyze my situation and then come to terms with some type of acceptance?  I think that somehow I should accept this feeling of disconnectedness and then move on.  It's easier said than done though, let me assure you.  I've tried.  Once in a while, I am successful and once in a while, I am not.

I am having extremely deep thoughts today.  They've come about because my oldest son is in China for the next 2 weeks.  As I sat pondering this fact I wondered if he had arrived safely and then thought--he'll call his wife.  And that's as it should be.  I'm just the mom and he's all grown up now.  I have moved over to my position in his life, I am now on a need to know basis.  Disconnected.

These thoughts then spiraled into--I feel bad for my daughter and in-law daughters.  They have sons too.  Daughters aren't as independent as sons.  No, that's not it.  They are really more independent than sons.  So what is it?  I think that they have less to prove.  They become wives and mothers which are very natural to them, whereas sons struggle a little more with the new titles.  They'd like to call mom and dad, but then they might be perceived as babies, so they don't.  It's just not the manly thing to do.  So, in the not too distant future, the women in my life will also become disconnected with their sons.  They think they won't, but they will.  I was the most hands-on boy's mom ever, and even I feel disconnected at times.  It makes me very sad.

Those thoughts then spiraled me into this thought--what about friendships?  I had a very nomadic childhood.  It made making and keeping friends difficult.  The one thing I longed for in my life was stability.  I envied those relatives and friends who lived in the same towns all their lives. They had lifelong friends.  Some had the same house, same schools, same friends, same ol' same ol'.  I wanted some of that.  I was determined to give my children some of that.  And yet--it didn't quite turn out that way.  Part of me is sad about that fact and part of me is glad--once again--a split personality.  I can see the value in both really.  On one hand you have stability and on the other hand, you have--well, what do you have?  Adventure maybe?  Friends from all over the world? City and street smarts?  Global thinking?  Openness to new ideas?  Maybe all of that.

However, it stills leads to a feeling at times of disconnectedness.  Because no matter how hard I try to stay connected to old friends from long ago, they move on without me.  Which lead me to ponder this thought.  Is that what it's like after you die?  Friends and family move on?  Just like when you've moved away?  Life goes on without you and you realize--it's true.  You can't go home again, nothing is ever the same.  You have become disconnected from them.  All that is left is memories.  I have evidence to back up this theory of mine.  I once moved about 1 and 1/2 hours south of the town I had grown up in.  I was gone for 8 years,  but I kept in contact with my old friends.  And then one day we moved back.  Did we take up where we left off?  No, we did not.  No, we ended up making all new friends, and rarely seeing the old friends.  And try as I might, that feeling of connectedness never ever returned.

Disconnected.  It's what I am thinking about today.  I have lived in 4 different states now.  I have children living in other states.  I have friends from all over the world.  I have attended 13 schools not including college.  I have owned 9 homes.  And have rented at least 3 apartments.  I don't know what is next in my life.  It's been so nomadic thus far, so why in the world would it be any different in my future?  And, with this adventurous heart of mine, would I be happy to settle into one place, one home, one set of friends for the duration of my life?  These are questions I have.  I like where I am living right now.  However, I miss my children terribly.  I am not stupid though, I don't think they give a lot of thought to missing us.  They are busy with lives of their own.  We have now become extended family members--as it should be.  We have disconnected somewhat.

So, what is in our future?  And do I really want to know?  And, if I had a do-over, would I take it?   No, I don't think so.  I would not want to give up meeting all of the wonderful people that I've had the privilege of knowing.  What would I do without their friendship?  My life might be so much more simple, but so plain, so unfulfilled, at least it seems that way to me.  I guess I am just where I need to be, a nomad living a sweet nomadic life with someone just a crazy as I am.

Are we disconnected?  Maybe, maybe not.  I'm not sure.  Maybe we are more connected than anyone else we know, maybe we are aware of the importance of true connectedness.  Maybe.