Forgiveness

 

For the past several months, the topic of forgiveness has come up. Once in a group Bible study, I expected that, and once in a secular book club. I didn't expect that. I could not stop analyzing what was said. I didn't participate either time, as I was processing. It took me a while, and by the time I felt like I had something to share, the topic had moved on.

Now that I have processed the word forgiveness, I want to write about it. My processing has taken me to four types so far. I'm sure there are more.

1) There is a forgiveness that never forgets. 2) And a forgiveness that reaches deep down into your very soul.

3) There is forgiveness of oneself, and then 4) forgiveness of God. Don't worry about the last one, I'll explain later.

For years, I counseled sexual abuse and rape survivors. We were taught to call them survivors rather than victims. I like that. It gives them more power. During those years, I think I have heard just about everything that can be done to a child or woman. For me, hearing their stories affected me in ways that are really too hard to explain. It changed not only my worldview but also the way I view humanity. And, not in a good way. How are they supposed to forgive? In the book of Mathew in the Bible, Jesus says to forgive 7 x 70, or 490 times. That's a lot. It means that forgiveness should be/could be limitless. So, is it a conscious process? Is it something that comes over time? Is it something to be worked on or strived for? Let's say you do make that conscious effort to forgive your abuser; however, you are unable to forget. Have you really forgiven them?

There was one thing I never said in counseling, which is that they must forgive their abuser. I believe it's something worked out between them and God. There are many steps to walk them through their process that are very helpful; however, they don't always work. Honestly, they don't. Some might say they have a hardened heart. Wouldn't you? As a Christian myself, I pray for them. I don't give them platitudes; I pray and let God sort it out. He is a better teacher and healer than I am. I used my schooling, my training, my tools, and my belief in God to help. I did my best. That's all that God asks. This is the type that never forgets.

I heard about this on the news one day, about an Amish woman and her family. A couple of decades ago, there was a big news story about a horrific accident. A drunk driver struck and killed an Amish family. The father and seven children died, but the mother survived. How does one forgive that? Well, she did. She went to court, spoke on the driver's behalf, and told him she forgave him. As I watched it play out on TV, there was not a dry eye in the house. I remember thinking—that's true forgiveness. It was so pure and kind. She will never forget the loss of her family, but I do believe that God turned her heart softly toward that man. Maybe she put herself in his place and did what she would want someone to do for her. I will never forget that story when others hurt me, whether a little or a lot, I ask God to give me a heart like hers. This is the reaching deep down into your soul.

Forgiveness of self—that's not too hard for me. I am constantly asking God to show me when I do something displeasing to him. When I say or do the wrong thing, I ask him to forgive me, and it's instantaneous. It's truly a hard concept for me to understand. And that's because I am not God; I see and feel through human eyes. I love that about God, that he is not a man. He is God. I might, however, still suffer the consequences of my actions, but God forgives me. There is so much in the Bible about forgiveness. I don't want to preach at anyone, but look it up sometime. Watch how Jesus does it. This is the forgiving oneself.

Lastly, there is my forgiveness of God. I've written a lot about the death of my grandson. I wrote about my grief and about how angry I was towards God. I was so angry. The things I said to God, some would deem unforgivable. However, his love is unconditional. That means you can let it rip. You can tell him anything. You can shout your anger from the rooftops. He knows what's in your heart anyway; you might as well say it out loud. And so I did. That was healing in and of itself. I had to be real before God. I had to get to a place where I forgave God, where I could lay down the anger. I'll never forget his accident, and I'll never get over it. And really, I don't want to. I want to cultivate compassion for others who have lost loved ones. I now have a deeper understanding than I ever had before. The accident that killed my grandson happened just like the Amish family's. Sadly, it really did happen. And, as I am a Christian and love God with all my heart, I had to come to a place of forgiveness. I still work on it every day. I pray a lot, and I listen even more. I am now in a place where I want to hear from him. That was a huge turning point for me. It took a while, but I got there. This is the type of forgiving God.

Grief, anger, and hurt are inevitable; however, it's what we do with them that matters. Can we forgive? I pray that I can. All of these acts of forgiveness happen all the time without us even being aware of them. I do know one thing: I would not know how to forgive without having God in my life. He shows me that all the time, in little ways. He lets me know that he's in control. He leads me every step of the way. Showing me, teaching me, working on my tired old heart. I will get there, you will get there. If we trust in Jesus, miracles can happen, right before our very eyes. It happened to me. And, I'm praying for you.