Year Two

This has been a long, hard year. We have now been without Jack for two years. I had hoped it would feel better, a little easier to breathe, a little less crying. However, it hasn't been that way at all. The breathing is still hard, the crying is still going on, only I've learned to hide it better. I don't want to bring others down or make every day all about me. So, I hide it and say, "I'm good, how are you?' 

Actually, it isn't all about me. It's really all about him. How much we all miss him, and want him back here with us. I'm very selfish; I want my grandson back. I've never known that such heartache was even possible. It's always with me, always here, always. Weighing me down, hurting my heart, and making me sad. The only thing I do is try to outrun it. I stay very busy. Going, going, busy, busy. 

This past weekend was bittersweet for our family. That word never really meant much to me before. It does now, though. It means a lot because it explains a lot. Jack died just a few days before his little sister's birthday. So, as a family, we celebrate her. And, as a family, we mourn the loss of Jack. Bittersweet, two-fold. We all hate it. We want to make it a special day for our granddaughter. Taking her out to eat, shop, laugh, and have fun, and then reality sets in. We wish Jack were here. But he's not, so we do the best we can. 

We arrived at our daughter's house this past Friday afternoon, unpacked, and went to our favorite Mexican restaurant. We had a birthday to celebrate! Our granddaughter was turning 21. We had them bring out that big, beautiful sombrero, and we all sang and clapped for her, my granddaughter. The entire restaurant was involved. And oh yes, I got pictures. Lots of them. We had fun that night. We laughed. And that was important for healing. This wound we all carry around in so many different ways is still here. I really wish that it would just heal up. It's so hard, so painful, and so debilitating. I hurt for my family.

Saturday, we took our granddaughter shopping for her birthday. We put on our party-shopping faces, our let's-have-fun faces, and our let's-eat-fun-food faces, and away we went. Yes, it was hard. However, periodically, we'd laugh and have fun. And that's an important step for us all. 

Sunday was a little harder; we shopped for food, BBQ'ed the ribs (well, my son-in-law did), made sides, and all of Jack's good friends came over. All the while wishing it was just a regular old BBQ, without thinking about the whys that we were all together. My grandson was fortunate. He had a great group of friends. They are the kind that show up. They came to the hospital, came to the house, brought flowers and food, came to the funeral, and came back to the house afterward. They helped with anything we asked. They are amazing. And every few weeks, those boys show up, and they have dinner with my kids. I hope they know how much that means to them. To keep in close contact with those kids, those friends of Jack's, we even pretend, for a short time, that Jack is in there with them, laughing away. We feel him during those times. We made it through Sunday; we were exhausted afterward, and the adrenaline from that day was just crazy. I think we all pretty much collapsed that evening. 

The real challenge, though, was Monday. The exact date, the 13th, the 2-year date, and the "on this day" date. It was hard. I felt like a clown juggling balls. I wanted to keep their attention —again, with shopping and eating — you know the drill. I think I succeeded; others may disagree. I tried, though, I really tried really hard. I just wanted everyone to be happy again.

So, yes, we survived. And I am praying hard that as each year passes, it gets easier for us all. I just want the broken-heart feeling to be a little less acute. A little less pain, and just more love. We all loved him so much. 

Yes, I'm praying for that day. The day when we can all say, "Not my will, but your will be done, God." 

I need to accept this. this change in our lives, this new way of living. I hope in some small way, it changes my heart and makes me a better friend, grandma, mom, wife...I hope it changes me, I really do. And I hope that it makes me a better follower of Jesus.