On Mother's Day

I'll start backward. I had an awesome mom. I loved being her daughter. I loved her personality, her great sense of humor, and her laugh. She was every girl's dream mother. She listened. That fact alone was so important to me. She taught me how to be a good mom to my own children. I lost her two years ago. Really, I lost her a couple of years before that, as she had dementia for the last few years of her life. Fortunately, she maintained that great sense of humor of hers, still making me laugh until the end. Being a mom for her was easy, she was only 20 years older than me, had a great sense of style, and could relate to having a teenager like no buddy's business. She'd drive me by boys' houses, you know, the ones I liked. She listened as I cried with a broken heart over those who didn't like me back. She would teach me the words to the new pop music. And, she helped me to attain my one and only teenage dream. Horses. She'd drive me to the stables to ride and exercise my horses every weekend, and also sometimes during the week, even though she worked full-time. She taught me how to cook, clean, and run a home. She was awesome.

When I had my first child, I so wanted a girl. God answered my prayer. I was so excited to imprint my daughter with the same love, kindness, and teaching that my mother did for me. I wanted my relationship with her to be just like my mom and me. And, I believe I accomplished that task. I then had two sons, and I pretty much raised them the same way. I wanted to be more than a mom; I wanted to be their friend, confidant, and counselor, and I do believe that my children felt that. They could share without condemnation. 

When my children married, my wish was that we would always remain close. I prayed hard over their marriages, their homes, and their children. I prayed as my own mother did, that they would serve God all the days of their lives. That they would raise their children like they were raised. Be a listener, be kind, love much. I was then blessed with 9 grandchildren. To say that I was overjoyed is very much an understatement. No one told me how much I would love them. That I would view them as my own, and that I would give my life for them. I thought that was reserved for my own children. Wow, was I wrong. It's the same for grandchildren. Who knew that there could ever be that much love inside of me? 

I found out just how much love lived inside my heart. Just a mere 2 months after the death of my mom, my grandson (my only daughter's son) was in a horrific car accident that took his life. He was only 22 years old and was my very first grandchild. That day, I realized that my heart could be shattered and yet keep on beating. If my heart had stopped beating that very day, I would have been ok with that. That day, I had never prayed harder in my life that God would allow him to keep living. Almost two years have gone by now, I have gone through the grief steps, and I accept his death. I don't understand it; however, I accept it. I have prayed so hard that God would give me some insight as to why. He has somewhat. I do hope and pray that as the years roll by, I will have a better understanding of the reason. Why my grandson? 

Oh, how I love them all. My children and my grandchildren. I would give my life for them all. They made me a mom and a grandma, and I will be forever grateful. I think a lot about Jesus on the cross, with his mother crying at his feet. I understand that now. Even though she knew he was the son of God, she cried. 

So, it's ok that we love our children and our grandchildren as much as we do. It's ok that we think they are God's gift to society because they are. They are the salt and light. They are the ones who will continue the work on earth as we have. I think that's why it is innate in us mothers to love as deeply as we do. To teach, to love, and to pray.

This Mother's Day, I will let myself love and mourn. I will remind myself that that is how God designed it. And I will be forever thankful and grateful that, even though there is a chance that I will (and did) experience a broken heart, I will always have the reminder that I had the privilege of loving. 

To my family and friends, don't be afraid to love. Don't miss out on loving your children and grandchildren. Even though my heart is still aching, I would not trade that time with my grandson. He was an amazing young man, and I got to love him and have him as my very own grandson

 I look forward to one day seeing him again. I feel extremely blessed beyond measure. 

Happy Mother's Day