I hesitate to write about this, I really don't think very many will understand the heartbreak that I endured. However, it happened, it was a part of my life, it shaped who I've become, so I'll write about what transpired and brace for criticisms. They'll come, they have before.
At some point in high school, I had decided that I wanted to go to a Bible college after I graduated. I think I was in my senior year. However, I didn't actually get to go to Bible college (just went to a couple of years at a community college) until after I got married and had my babies. By the time they all started school the desire to go back to college returned and with the encouragement of my awesome husband I decided to go back to school and follow my passion. I wanted to learn all that I could about the Bible and God, and how I could have an affect on the world around me. Long story short--I wanted to be a preacher/pastor/teacher, only didn't really know it at that time. All I knew was that I had a thirst for knowledge and it had to be satisfied.
I loved going to school. I looked forward to dropping my kids off at their school and then driving off to my own. I was the best student ever. On time, an A chaser, enthusiastic, hard working, and serious. Very serious. I studied like there was no tomorrow. I read, wrote papers, studied hard and took tests--for about 3 years. And then one day in one of my classes our instructor asked the future graduates if they were excited about the upcoming ceremony. He also mentioned quite innocently that the ordination ceremony would be held at a later date for the male graduates. What? The male what? Ordination what? This is where you can imagine my head starting to spin. What did he just say? I raised my hand and asked--are you saying that because I am a female I can't be ordained? You mean you've been taking my money for 3 years and no one has told me this before? Are you serious?
Yes, I said that and probably a whole lot more. I honestly can't remember a lot after that. Only that my instructor called a 20-minute coffee break and asked that I meet with him privately. He told me that the answer to all my questions was exactly that--because of my gender I could not be ordained in that particular denomination--the one that I grew up in. I sat there stunned--feeling duped and very stupid. How could I have not known? In a fog, I gathered my books and walked out. Never to return. I did not graduate the following year with my class. I left and went home. Hurt, humiliated, dishonored, disgraced, defeated, discriminated against and horribly sad.
My heart cried out--why God, why would you let me become so excited about learning all about you and then let me come crashing down to earth--spiritually wounded beyond what I thought could ever be repaired? How? Why? I thought you loved me. Can't you see what I've been trying to do? Don't you care? Is that how you view me too? Merely a woman? Not good enough?
At some point though I knew that I would have to pick up the shattered pieces of what was left of my academic heart--I had to move on, I had a family and they were important to me. I spent months licking my wounds, it was a very hard time in my life. I tried hard to come to grips with what had happened. My husband's support was what motivated my next step. That next step, however, didn't come overnight. There was a healing and forgiving process that I had to grow through. And just who was I supposed to forgive? It wasn't any one person's fault that I wasn't allowed to be ordained, and yet who could I blame to make myself feel better?
We moved a couple of years later, life resumed backed to normal and school for me was forgotten. Until one day--that old desire for learning crept its way back into my heart. The thought occurred to me--I don't need to go to a private Christian college to get my degree, I could go to a public college. I toyed with the idea for several months before approaching my husband with my crazy scheme. Funny how God works. My husband had been praying for months about talking to me about going back to school. Interesting. The timing was perfect. And right about that same time, my daughter came home with a poster for my oldest son which read--Preach the gospel at all times, if necessary use words. Profound, simple, true words--they hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized right then that I didn't need ordination papers from anybody--I had them--from God. My husband drove me to the local college a few weeks later to register for classes--I needed the moral support. My new life was about to begin.
Yes, it was scary at first. I was used to good little Christian kids, churchy kids, not these types of kids. Not the hard types of kids who had gone through horrible childhoods. Who were looking for something--anything to fill the void in their lives. These college kids were a little rough around the edges, they weren't there to learn about Jesus--no siree. And yet I found myself loving them. Wanting to become a part of their lives, wanting to help, to be a listening ear--to be a mom. Funny how God works. Within weeks I knew what I would major in. Psychology. Where others failed them, I would listen. I would be there for them. Even though I was a mere woman. To them, it didn't matter. I was good enough.
I loved school. I prayed for each person I met--all of my professors (many of whom I became close friends with) and all of my classmates. I never hid who I was and what I believed in. And I had learned a life long lesson--never let anyone tell you that because of your gender or your age or your skin color that you aren't good enough. Because while man might not accept you--God always does.
A few years later I received a phone call from the president of the Bible College that I had attended. I had always liked him and was happy to hear from him. However, what he said next had me fumbling around behind me for a chair. Guess what he said--I have great news--we now ordain women! I sat down with a thud and let out a long breath. And then I very politely told him that I was no longer interested in becoming ordained by a church and that I had moved on and was pursuing other interests. I didn't want him to know that I needed to hang up quickly--my emotions were beginning to get the best of me. Tears were starting to roll down my face, I had to hang up fast.
How dare they do that to me. How dare they tell me one minute that I was the wrong gender one day and the right gender the next. How dare they turn my whole world upside down only to come along later and try to turn it right side up. Just who did they think they were? God? For a while, I felt like I couldn't even catch my breath. When my husband got home later that evening I told him what had happened. He came over and put his arms around me and reminded me that God had a reason for everything.
And He did. He accomplished His will in my life. He wanted me in that Bible college for those 3 years to learn what I'd need for my life in the future. He then had plans for me to attend a public college to learn how to help those around me. You see, in a Christian college, everyone would have already heard what I had to say. They already would have had some teaching on Christianity, but not so much when we're talking about a public college.
We all know how much public speaking goes on in college. Lots. I had an unbelievable opportunity to share my faith using my life and even using words when necessary. Many of my classes were huge--over 200 students. Talking to 200 students at one time was right up my alley. I was able to talk about my beliefs, values, and ideas. And due to my age, I automatically had an "In" with my professors. I had the voice of reason among my classmates and because of my major--well, I was the one to unburden on.
God had a plan--funny how He works.
Through all that--I was taught compassion. I was taught to love, accept, forgive, trust, look to the future and most of all not to label myself or others. I was taught patience--to wait on God's timing and for His plan. And most importantly, I was taught that He made me for a reason, He wanted me to be female, and to Him, gender did not matter. He had a plan for my life. I am thankful for that plan. I have had a fulfilling and fruitful life. I've had a sweet life.
I might not be good enough, but I'm good enough for Him. And really, that's all that matters in this life of mine.
1 comment:
Well Done! A+!
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