Number 5

He came this past week, all 8 lbs and 1 oz of him. He has dark hair that is 20 inches long, just like his daddy, my son. He looks like his daddy, too, and when I held him, he felt like his daddy.   It was fun seeing three of my five grandchildren. I deeply love my family.

However, something strange has happened to me over the last few days. It's only happened one other time in my life. I'll do my best to describe the emotions I am feeling.

When I was nearing my 30th birthday, my husband threw me a surprise birthday party. All my friends were in on it. I was completely caught off guard. I was told that we were going to a couples planning meeting for a church committee we were on. So, pulling up to my friend's house and seeing a lot of cars didn't really seem strange to me. I walked in and saw my friends, and then, before I could even wonder why so-and-so was here when they weren't even on the committee, they all yelled, "Surprise!"  And I was surprised. They had an entire sofa full of gifts for me, along with the most beautiful cake. I had a wonderful time and thoroughly enjoyed the evening. Until I got home. And then I cried.

How was I going to explain to my husband--after all the hard work he had put into that party that I was sad? Was I depressed? And that I'd give anything to be 21 again? What kept playing through my mind for a few weeks before the party and for a few weeks after the party was this one continuous thought — I am 30 years old, I am married, and I have 3 kids. It wasn't that I wanted anything to change in my life; it was just that I woke up one morning to the reality of it.  I realized that I was getting older and there was nothing I could do about it. Gone was my youth! I was 30 years old!

It's funny to think about it now, but it wasn't so funny then. It took me several months to come to grips with my life. Once I worked through the pain (and yes, I'm being a little dramatic here), I was fine. And I've never ever felt that way since. I haven't been depressed over any other birthday.

And then--grandbaby number 5 came along, and all those feelings came back with a big whoosh--I have 5 grandkids, I'm old, and there's nothing I can do about it.  

I know now that in a few weeks I'll be over this little pity party of mine. I'll be just fine. I'll be enjoying life again. Running around with my husband and my friends, feeling pretty ding-dang good about life. It's just that right now--well, it's hard. Yep, it's a hard time for me. I've decided to embrace this emotion, maybe hold on to it for a while, feel a little sorry for myself, and cry a little.

Then, one bright summer morning, I know that I'll wake up and I'll be all better. I'll still be married, still have 3 kids, and still have 5 grandkids. Nothing will have changed — except me. I'll have come to terms with reality again. And all will be well with the world.