Jealousy

The topic of jealousy keeps coming to my mind.  I've been thinking a lot about the people and the things that I have been (in the past and sometimes even now) jealous of.  I hate that emotion and when I feel it coming on I immediately have a good stern talking to myself.  I will not succumb to it--ever!  I don't want to be the type of person that is ruled by envy.  I want to always have that feeling of contentment, of blessings, of gratefulness, and if I let jealousy come into play then I have failed.  So, I deal with it when it comes up.  I pray about it and ask God to change my perspective.  And He does--within hours or sometimes days if I'm honest.  My outlook changes before my eyes.  I like to think that I've grown a bit during these times of self-reflection and asking God for His help.  I certainly could not do it on my own.

I thought of something the other day that I try hard not to dwell on.  I think I'll write about it though.  I'm going to be a little vague, I want to protect the person that I am writing about.

Several years ago I made a new friend.  We had many things in common.  We were both married, loved dogs, loved to shop, and had other mutual friends.  We started hanging out, sometimes just the two of us, sometimes as couples and sometimes in our newly formed little group of friends.  But then over the span of 2 or 3 years our relationship seemed a little strained.  She was too busy most of the time to hang out, something always came up.  I also started noticing other little changes--changes in the way my other friends were treating me.  Our gatherings began to become uncomfortable for me and as I expressed these feelings to my husband he would always say--maybe you're just imagining it.  And so, for months I went with the flow and tried hard to not imagine anything.  It didn't work--things only got worse.  Until one day I called my friend and asked her if we could meet for lunch.  She was hesitant, I was forceful.  She agreed.

Looking back now, with hindsight being 20/20, that was a very difficult lunch for me.  She had some mighty powerful words for me to hear.  I asked that she lay her cards on the table--I wanted to know what was wrong.  I wanted the truth--and no sugar coating, please.  It turned out, according to her--that she was jealous of me.  She proceeded to tell me all that she was jealous of--every last thing.  From my relationship with my husband to the freedom of not having to work to my fun loving personality--she basically hated it all.  She plain didn't like anything about me.  I can honestly say that I didn't see that coming.  I thought we were friends.  We had shared some personal stuff.  We ran in the same circle.  Now what?  I told her right then that although I had known something was up, that I had not discussed it with anyone other than my husband.  She told me that she had discussed it--with our mutual friends!  Ah, now it was all making sense to me.  Things began to fall into place.  While I was wasting my time wondering what I had said or did to hurt her--she was going behind my back and gossiping about me.  In my imagination?  I don't think so.

We finished our 3-hour lunch, agreed that we were no longer friends, hugged and said goodbye.  And that was it.  A couple of years later I moved away.   There is still a part of me that is sad though.  I think about that friendship and how it was ruined by jealousy and I wonder why?  Why can't we be happy for our friends?  Why can't we be their greatest cheerleaders, their confidants, their shoulder to cry on?  Why do we have to want what they have, and when we don't, we end the relationship because of jealousy?

I wish I had the answers, but I don't.  I just know that as a Christian I can't ever allow myself to become like that.  I have to--no matter what happens--forgive and forget and go on.  I have to--be the best friend I can be.  I have to--always be there for her--even now.  I have to...