When I Close My Eyes

Sometimes, when I close my eyes, is when I see best.  I can close them and see the past, the present, or my imagined future. I can do this all by myself, all alone, and no one can change my view or tell me that it isn't correct. I control it. Each and every situation. I think I like it. The control. I can be sitting in my rocking chair — praying, singing, or thinking. I can be sitting in a car or on an airplane. I can close my eyes and dream. Change direction, change the ending, change the emotion. I have control behind my eyes.

When I view my past with my eyes closed, I sometimes change the endings of my stories. My loved ones are still living during those times. They are happy, maybe married with children of their own. Sometimes I live in a different city or even a different country. Sometimes I have more children or grandchildren, and it's always something positive, fun, or exciting.  Well, not always. I admit — sometimes it is sad, so I have to close my eyes really tight to make it a happy time.

Thinking with my eyes closed about my present can sometimes be the hardest. Most situations I can't change. Like my husband's job, our location, or our circumstances. Not that I'm saying I'd even want to, it's just a fact that even with my eyes closed, I can't change the present. So I don't try. When I close my eyes, I am in a thankful state of mind. I'm grateful. I embrace my life through closed eyes. It's probably more of a time of prayer for me--thanking God for my life, with the closed eyes of gratitude.

Imagining my future with my eyes closed is the most thrilling for me. My imagination runs wild. It's an unbridled excitement that is hard to contain. It is private, and personal, and mine. I can live anywhere, be anything, and do whatever I want. And so, many days I am easy to find. I am sitting in my brown leather rocking chair with my eyes closed, daydreaming about my future and wondering when it will become my present, but not looking forward to it becoming my past.

It's just what I see when I close my eyes...