The Art of Compromise

My husband does not like to man the grill, nor does he like to dance. Me? Well, I don't do toilets or sports. We let each other in on these little secrets of ours early on in our marriage. We both agreed — let's compromise on these particular areas of our relationship and not put pressure on each other to do what we don't like doing. So far, it's worked out just fine for us. I do the grilling, and I don't bug him to take me dancing. He cleans the toilets, and he doesn't bug me to go to sports games or watch them on television.  It works--for us. We are a match made in heaven.

There have been times when some people have said to me, "You make him clean the toilets?"  That's terrible, that should be your job! Really? And, once in a while, some well-meaning visiting male will comment on me manning the grill. Really? Is it that big of a deal--these gender specific roles that have been placed upon us by society? Because they aren't that big of a deal to us. However, some areas of compromise have been a bit harder for us. And that's what I want to talk about today. Compromise.   Or lack thereof.

I am wondering if, given that we met and married young — well, maybe just maybe that fact has played such a big role in our ability to compromise. I'm not for one minute saying that it's all been easy because it hasn't. We may have learned this art a little earlier or more quickly than some.  We had no choice, really.  It was either compromise or argue, and I hate arguing, but I also hate giving in.  So, there you have problem number one. Who caves and when? For us, it was all about talking it out, giving our reasons as to why we felt a certain way, and then actually hearing each other. When we took the time to share our hearts, when we didn't ridicule each other, when we listened, really listened — we were able to come to terms with each other's requests and compromise. And yes, sometimes that took longer than at other times.  Much longer!

I have witnessed couples that do not wish to compromise at all. It is their way or the highway--so to speak. And I believe that is why the divorce rate is what it is today.  My husband and I made a promise to each other many years ago, when we were just starting out, that we would never use the D-word.  Also known as divorce. We decided that we would strike it from our vocabulary and that even if it killed us, we'd talk it out, come hell or high water. And boy did we. Some of those talks lasted until the wee hours of the morning. I think sometimes we would eventually compromise just so we could finally get some sleep! Yes, a compromise was that important to us. We have been a couple for almost 42 years now. Dated for 2, married for almost 40. Was it all easy? No. Did we always come to a place of compromise? Yes. And that is how one avoids divorce--in my humble opinion.

It is an art form; it is a marriage dance; it is letting go of "I'm always right"; and it is bending and becoming flexible. It can be something as simple as cleaning the toilets or something as life-changing as moving across the nation for your spouse's job. I remind myself daily that I love my husband, that God brought him into my life, that I have been blessed abundantly, and that by compromising just a little, I receive a lot. And that getting along makes for a better friendship. I have noticed that as we grow older together, and I see him trying hard to compromise, it makes me want to compromise right back — just to make him happy. Yes, I can see all that now. That for all these many years we have been, for the most part, dancing a dance of compromise to our own rhythm. It works for us, this art of compromise. The very idea of not being together, the idea of divorce or being separated, or not having each other is a foreign concept to us. We made a vow before God almost 40 years ago, and we will keep that vow — we will compromise.

Yes, compromise, in my opinion, is an art form--it is hard, and at times it can feel like we might be losing a part of ourselves in the process. It isn't easy giving in, not one little bit. It is give-and-take; it is putting someone else above yourself; however, I believe that is what we are supposed to be doing in the first place. Putting others above ourselves. That's the art of compromise.