It is funny what can hurt your heart. OK, it is not so funny after all. Hurt is not funny. Hurt hurts. It is what happens sometimes in the most random of circumstances. It can happen very innocently, at least in the sense of the person being hurt, and then again maybe in the case of the person doing the hurting. There you are having a simple conversation and whamo--out of nowhere comes a remark that cuts through to your very soul. At least it feels that way at the time. At least it felt that way to me.
It happened to me just like that--we were talking, visiting, sharing and then out of the blue the person I was with made a statement that shocked me. In fact, I was speechless. I sat there feeling like a fool. I kept asking myself--what did they mean? Are they serious? Am I hearing this right? Am I taking this wrong? I was so incredibly hurt that I said nothing. I did not defend myself, I did not ask for explanations, I did not do anything. Fortunately, the subject was changed, others in the room began talking and the moment (thank God) was over.
The hurt wasn't over though. The hurt was not even close to being over and it was so deep, so painful that I am sitting here late at night blogging about it. One sentence that crushed my heart, it affected me in a way that has left me feeling so inadequate and like the poorest excuse for a human being. One sentence. That is all it took.
I am dumbfounded. I have not decided what, if anything, I should do about it. If I confront, do I really want to hear the answer? Or if I just let it go, can I ever really have a truly healthy relationship with that person ever again? It is something that I will have to pray about, that's for sure. Hopefully, I will receive some type of guidance. Hopefully, I will know how or what to do. Because right now I am stunned. I sit here truly with my heart broken.
I have learned something though. I have learned that I need to be very careful with the words I choose to use. I need to make sure that the sentences that come out of my mouth are encouraging and uplifting, not condemning and hurtful. And now, with this hurting heart of mine, I will go and pray. I will ask God to heal it and to make it whole again. I will continue on as if nothing has occurred. I will get through this time. My only wish is that I wasn't so sensitive, that words did not cut me to the quick. I really wish that I was a tougher sort of person with a thicker skin. One that could just let words of hurt roll right off my back. But, that is not how God made me. Not at all. Not even a little bit.
And I keep thinking about the words I have used, things I have said. I am not perfect--of this, you can be sure. So it stands to reason that I have said things that have hurt others, and I think that bothers me most of all. Now, as I sit here pondering this I am actually more upset over the words I have used that have been hurtful. The judging, the accusing, the out and out sinfulness of--well, of me. It makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me feel so sad and remorseful. Who am I to judge others? Or as we used to say who died and made you God? And yet, I'll bet I am one of the first ones to criticize, judge and condemn. I truly make myself sick. I have not walked in their shoes. I have not lived through their childhoods. I did not have their parents or their financial struggles, and on and on. And yet, there I go--judging away, just as if I am God!
I think that now instead of licking my wounds made by the hurtful remark, I will go and slink off and ask God to forgive me instead. I will let him worry about the other person. I will let Him do the judging--after all He has all the facts--I do not. I will ask Him to forgive me, to heal me, to make me a better friend, or better yet, just a kinder person. I will ask Him to make me more like Him. Because trust me when I tell you this--I have not been acting anything like my God lately. And I really do need His forgiveness.
So, this blog has me turning a corner in my life. A corner that hopefully, prayerfully will lead me into a closer relationship with my God. One of hope, trust, forgiveness, and love--on my part, not His. He has already given all that to me. It is me that needs to do the changing. So, if I have ever hurt you in any way with my words or my deeds, please forgive me. Please.
Change my heart Oh God.
1 comment:
I must also admit, I am guilty of saying very hurtful things to people that I think are "funny." I've gone from being defensive about it, to God showing me what my comments really do to people. I'm a terrible ambassador of Chist, i'm a hypocrite, my mouth speaks deceit, and the list goes on. Thank God that his grace abounds even more, and that you'll have the opportunity to show this person grace by forgiving them and loving them, not in spite of their sin, but (like Christ) because of their sin.
Thanks for writing this blog post mom, it is very encouraging and biblical. It spurs me on to desire to say more uplifting things that give God glory and build up others, rather than the next sarcastic comment or joke that only tears down and brings myself glory.
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