Waiting For It

I don't know how most people feel about Christmas, but I do know how I feel about it. It's absolutely hands down my favorite holiday. It means much more to me than I even let on. And I let on a lot. I am sure that most everyone who knows me well thinks that I am somewhat of a Christmas nut--a freak, a kook.  I usually overdecorate, overbake, and overeat.  I play too much music and am in just too good a mood throughout the entire season. I can't help it —I love — plain love — this time of year.

My love for Christmas has grown exponentially with each passing year, until now. Now I am a little worried. No, not worried, just maybe a little perplexed. You see, it hasn't hit me yet, and it's already December 3.  Don't get me wrong, outwardly, no one would be able to tell. I've hidden it well--this vacancy in my heart. At least I think I have.

I'm a little stymied. When is it going to happen? I keep asking myself this question. When will I have that thing happen? That que or trigger that clicks on in my brain that says pow--it's here! Christmas is here! I'm still waiting. Will it come when I'm at the Christmas Market? Or at a mall that has been all decorated? Or will it come when I'm sitting at home wrapping gifts, or listening to music?  Will I be in my car one evening, driving around looking at lights, or will I be at church singing about the birth of Jesus?  I don't know. Because each and every year of my life, it has happened at different times and places. The adrenaline rush that I feel--that rolls through me in a minute, that feeling of joy and anticipation that is so overwhelming--when will it happen this year? It's late, and that worries me.

So, I will wait patiently. I'll wait for the thrill, and I'll continue to participate in the season, I'll shop and wrap and bake and look and sing and wait. I hope and pray that it comes soon, though. But what if it doesn't come this year?  I think that's what I am afraid of. When will I get my rush?