I'm not going to lie. I can't swim. Oh, there, I've said it. I did take swimming lessons when I was a little child. And boy, was I ever scared. I hated the water. I hated having my head underwater. I felt that feeling of being left alone, sinking, and something covering my face so that I was unable to breathe. It took a very long time for that instructor to win me over. I found that my faith in her was something that had to be built upon, and so I held on to her two pointer fingers for dear life. It's a very good thing that I was such a small child, or she would have had very sore fingers!
The funny thing is, I've had 3 swimming pools in my many homes as a child and as an adult. I lived in California, so I was surrounded by the ocean, rivers, and lakes. And yet, I couldn't swim. I just couldn't get the hang of it. Oh, here I was--continuing to hold tightly onto her 2 fingers.
I'd tell my friends I'm really just a sun worshiper. I'd rather be lying on my towel or on a raft just floating. I just wanted a tan. That's what I'd say away. What I really wanted to say was — I can't swim; please don't push me in the water. I am afraid. I didn't, though; I never told anyone. I never admitted that I couldn't do it on my own.
So, why all this stuff about my huge fear of swimming? Well, I felt the same kind of fear come over me last night. You see, we're in the midst of a global pandemic. Country after country is shutting down — restaurants and businesses are closing right and left. And it's scary. Everything on our news feeds is flat-out terrifying. And I was buying into it. Hook, line, and sinker, as my dad used to say.
And then something happened. I prayed. As I lay in bed last night, listening to my husband and the dog snoring oh so peacefully beside me, I prayed. I asked God, in that moment of fear and sadness, to change my attitude and my heart. I'm not usually so fearful, so sad, so despondent, and yet...something had a hold of my emotions. Generally, I am an upbeat person, a "God has this" type of person, and a true optimist. Not last night, though. Last night, I wasn't. Last night I was afraid. I was different, and I could feel it deep inside me, eroding all that I truly knew. I found my trust in God slipping away. And so, I prayed and then fell asleep.
I woke up this morning, momentarily forgetting all that. We drank our coffee, watched the Today Show, checked our social media feeds, and had a very regular morning. And then, things started to change.
As I was getting ready, I began to have some surprising thoughts. Thankful thoughts. You see, I was praying again. My getting-ready time has always been a "me and God " time. And as I began praying, things in my heart began to change. I began thanking Him for simple things like warm water, soap, shampoo, and conditioner, and then it tumbled into a ton of other things that I was thankful for. Heat, running water, electricity, firewood, food in the pantry, and freezer. Gas in my car. A car. 2 cars. Even a blow dryer, a simple blow dryer--just all of the everyday things that I take for granted, without ever giving them a second thought. As I prayed, I began to cry in humble, grateful thankfulness and with a deep knowing in my heart that, yes, God has this. This horrible virus that has gripped the world in fear, that might even reach and attack some people that I know and love, or even me--God has this!
So here I am now, I'm sitting in my warm, cozy home, with everything I need, and I am so very grateful. And I just realized, at this very moment, that I am holding on to the very fingers of God, and as I paddle my feet, head just beneath the surface, where I can't really see where I'm going, I am not afraid. God knows. He's telling me to hold on, to not let go, to trust Him, and He will keep me safe. And so I will. I am now doing just that. I am holding on. For dear life. Because there is nothing else I can do. I can either sink and drown, or I can hang on to God's fingers and swim. I trust God.
I might not trust you, or the experts, or anyone else, but I trust God. And He has told me to--hold on, fear not, trust Him, for He will walk with me through the darkest, deepest, scariest of times. He is with me. Thank God, He is with me. I will not fear.
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