This Mother's Heart

I have three adult children. I view them as adults. I do not tell them what to do, nor do I boss them around. I raised them to be independent, self-sufficient, hard-working, kind, loving people. And they are. All three. They are that and more. And yet...there is this place in my heart where they remain my little ones. It's hard to explain, to say the words out loud, but I understand. I know what I mean.
Deep down in my heart, they are still my babies. They always will be. And by that I mean--they will always be a part of this mother's heart.

These crazy thoughts of mine hit home last week when my oldest, my daughter, had to have neck surgery. Two of the discs in her neck were crushed, so surgery was her only option. While I tried hard to remain strong and reassuring for her, I failed. Big time. Fail 101.

When she first told me of her symptoms, I prayed for her. She was in so much pain, and after two different doctors gave her the same diagnosis, she was told that she was facing surgery. I encouraged her as best I could over the phone and then after hanging up--I cried buckets. I was afraid. I thought of all the horrible things that could go wrong, and I begged God to protect her. And then God would comfort me. He would tell me not to be afraid--fear not. He would tell me how much more He loved her than I do — after all, He died for her. He would tell me so many things, and afterward, after praying, I would feel better.

Surgery was inevitable. She asked us to come down and help with the house and grandkids while she was in the hospital and recuperating. Of course, we said yes. It was an honor for us to help in any way that we could. We arrived a day early to have a little fun before she would be housebound. We shopped a little, ate a lot, and tried not to think about what lay ahead.  However, Monday morning came. We were all up early, saying our goodbyes, hugging, and crying. Most likely all thinking the same thing--what if...what if.

I tried so hard to be strong. To not cry, but as I stood there hugging my daughter, as her husband was waiting to take her to the hospital, I couldn't help it, I cried. And there she was--comforting me! Isn't that just like a daughter? She kept saying it'll be OK. It'll be OK. I was so very afraid for her. I held her a little longer, cried a little harder, and then released her into God's arms for protection.

That morning, I got my 2 oldest grandkids off to school. With lunches packed and new clothes laid out, they were off to their first day of the new school year. As a child, I couldn't imagine how difficult that must have been for them. Fortunately, they don't yet comprehend the horrors of a botched surgery. They fully trusted us as we told them that everything was going to be just fine.

When we got the phone call later that morning from our son-in-law that all went well, we were so relieved. I thanked God over and over for the outcome, and that evening we all went to visit our daughter/mom at the hospital. She looked tired and drugged up, but good.

This mother's heart can't begin to describe the gratefulness I felt towards God in that very moment. I was thankful for so many things--she wasn't paralyzed, she lived through it, she didn't have a heart attack or a stroke, her vocal cords weren't damaged, and on and on. So very thankful. So very grateful.

We stayed for a week. We cleaned, took care of the grandkids, went grocery shopping, cooked, but most of all, we watched as our daughter healed. Her husband stayed home from work and took great care of her. She's doing wonderfully, healing up, and making progress each day.  Yes, we are thankful.

It's funny, though--all that mom stuff. It comes up at the strangest times. This mother's heart. No matter the outcome of that surgery, no matter her age, no matter, well, anything really, she is still and always will be my little girl, my daughter, my friend. I will always be there for her, always take care of her, and always give her my heart. Always.