This Feels Right

I have so many mixed emotions roaring through my little brain right now. It's confusing and yet not. It just feels right. This move of ours. It's hard to explain. On one hand, I am heartbroken and lonely, and I desperately miss my old life. My friends, my house, my neighbors, my church, my book club, my Bible study, etc--my old life. What I used to do and have...I miss. Horribly. To the point of depression. Kind of. Well, more like sadness.

I've been praying about it. A lot. On the other hand, this just plain feels right. As I meet new neighbors, walk new streets, drive through the forests, watch my grandchildren play--it just feels right. And how can one be depressed when it feels right? Right? So, I pray.

I don't deny my feelings, nor do I wallow in them. I do, however, take them out and examine them. I hold them in my hand and then hold them up to God. And he explains things to me very gently. Like — it's okay to be lonely, to miss your friends and your old life. It's okay. He's very understanding of my feelings. He always has been.

However, my heart is happy when I "run into" my grandchildren at lunch or in a store, and they run up to me yelling--Grandma! It just feels right--as though that is how it should have been all along. Living close by, babysitting, watching their sports games, having an impromptu lunch or dinner, yes, all those things should have been happening all along, but they didn't. There was a 5-year interruption. 5 years, 5 long years of separation. And I do wonder why. I think about it quite a bit. Why?    Why 5 years? Why did I have to miss so much? I need to stop thinking about those 5 years. I need to focus on the here and now, but I can't. Those 5 years felt right too, in some strange, weird way, they felt right too. The people I met, friends I made, and places I discovered would never have happened had I not moved away for 5 years. It's a conundrum for sure. It makes my brain hurt.

Being happy and sad at the very same time, being content and yet heartsick, being thankful and yet sometimes sorrowful, these feelings of mine keep me on the verge of tears. At a moment's notice, I can see, smell, or touch something that throws my mind backward into time, and before I know it, I have tears dripping down my cheeks.

There is nothing I can do, not really. I am trying hard to just roll with it. I am settling into this new little house and making it my own. I am making plans with my children and enjoying meeting up with old friends. Yes, this just feels right. Sometimes lately, I forget that I ever moved away, and sometimes, I remember--all at once. And then it's hard again.

As I sit here typing away on my laptop, I am wondering--how do I feel right now, this very minute--how do I feel? I feel good; I am happy, content, thankful, joyful, and grateful. Yes, this just feels right. To have known and loved people from coast to coast, how could that not feel right?
So, my prayer today is one of appreciation. I truly appreciate all that God has done for me, through me, and in me. Yes, this feels right. I am home.