One Year Ago

February 23rd--the day that I first started blogging, so today is my 1 year anniversary.  I wonder sometimes--how am I doing?  I know that I love writing, and I know that it is therapeutic.  I get some awesome comments from strangers, friends, and family, although most aren't posted on my blog site, most come to me via Facebook messages or emails which I think is just fine.  I enjoy hearing the comments and feedback from others.  And to top things off, something quite exciting happened--I was a chosen as a finalist for a blog contest put on by CBS Chicago.  That was pretty exhilarating!

This blogging thing seems to be working for me.  It is a lot of fun, but also heart-wrenching at times.  Sometimes when I reread my blog posts I cry, and sometimes I laugh.  Maybe I have a little bit of a spilt-personality thing going on here.  Maybe not.  I don't know.  I just write about what I happen to be thinking about or going through at the time.  Like now.  I am thinking that I as in me--I have been truly writing a blog--me!  A blog!   And that, quite frankly, surprises me on so many levels.  I have been very dedicated to writing this blog, I have been truthful and transparent and honest.  And thankfully I have yet to receive any criticism.

I have fears though.  Great fears.  Why?  Because there are so many things I want to write about that I cannot yet share.  An entire childhood of stuff that I've yet to be open about.  I'm sure though with the passing of time, I will eventually talk about the past in more and more detail.  It will come about slowly, a little here, a little there, but it will come.  I will have to become more trusting of this format, this way--of sharing my feelings and thoughts.

I also have great fears of hurting those I love.  So, I am careful--so very careful.  In some cases, I only share my emotional reactions to certain situations, and in some cases, I sugar coat stories--just a little.  Either way, I am heedful.  For instance--I never post names, I try not to post pictures of people's faces--other than immediate family members (and only with their permission) and I try to be so respectful of others privacy.  It's important to me that this blog of mine is only about me--my thoughts, dreams, emotions, reactions, etc.  I do not ever want to superimpose someone else's story onto my story and believe me, sometimes that is hard for me not to do.  However, I try, I really do.

So, I will continue to write, I am committed to communicating my sweet life via this venue.  It's made me take a long hard look at my very existence and it's helped me come to terms with certain aspects of this life of mine.  I hope to one day post a 2nd-anniversary blog.  That would be great.  However, my deepest wish throughout this blog is that my own children and grandchildren come to know me better.  And also, that my friends and extended family grow to know me in a new and different light.  That is my desire.  We'll see how it goes.  As I've said before--your guess is as good as mine as to where this takes me in this journey of my sweet life.

And thank you, thank you for reading my blog.

Hurting Heart

It is funny what can hurt your heart.  OK, it is not so funny after all.  Hurt is not funny.  Hurt hurts.  It is what happens sometimes in the most random of circumstances.  It can happen very innocently, at least in the sense of the person being hurt, and then again maybe in the case of the person doing the hurting.  There you are having a simple conversation and whamo--out of nowhere comes a remark that cuts through to your very soul.  At least it feels that way at the time.  At least it felt that way to me.

It happened to me just like that--we were talking, visiting, sharing and then out of the blue the person I was with made a statement that shocked me.  In fact, I was speechless.  I sat there feeling like a fool.  I kept asking myself--what did they mean?  Are they serious?  Am I hearing this right?  Am I taking this wrong?  I was so incredibly hurt that I said nothing.  I did not defend myself, I did not ask for explanations, I did not do anything.  Fortunately, the subject was changed, others in the room began talking and the moment (thank God) was over.

The hurt wasn't over though.  The hurt was not even close to being over and it was so deep, so painful that I am sitting here late at night blogging about it.  One sentence that crushed my heart, it affected me in a way that has left me feeling so inadequate and like the poorest excuse for a human being.  One sentence.  That is all it took.

I am dumbfounded.  I have not decided what, if anything, I should do about it.  If I confront, do I really want to hear the answer?  Or if I just let it go, can I ever really have a truly healthy relationship with that person ever again?  It is something that I will have to pray about, that's for sure.  Hopefully, I will receive some type of guidance.  Hopefully, I will know how or what to do.  Because right now I am stunned.  I sit here truly with my heart broken.

I have learned something though.  I have learned that I need to be very careful with the words I choose to use.  I need to make sure that the sentences that come out of my mouth are encouraging and uplifting, not condemning and hurtful.  And now, with this hurting heart of mine, I will go and pray.  I will ask God to heal it and to make it whole again.  I will continue on as if nothing has occurred.  I will get through this time.  My only wish is that I wasn't so sensitive, that words did not cut me to the quick.  I really wish that I was a tougher sort of person with a thicker skin.  One that could just let words of hurt roll right off my back.  But, that is not how God made me.  Not at all.  Not even a little bit.

And I keep thinking about the words I have used, things I have said.  I am not perfect--of this, you can be sure.  So it stands to reason that I have said things that have hurt others, and I think that bothers me most of all.  Now, as I sit here pondering this I am actually more upset over the words I have used that have been hurtful.  The judging, the accusing, the out and out sinfulness of--well, of me.  It makes me sick to my stomach.  It makes me feel so sad and remorseful.  Who am I to judge others?  Or as we used to say who died and made you God?  And yet, I'll bet I am one of the first ones to criticize, judge and condemn.  I truly make myself sick.  I have not walked in their shoes.  I have not lived through their childhoods.  I did not have their parents or their financial struggles, and on and on.  And yet, there I go--judging away, just as if I am God!

I think that now instead of licking my wounds made by the hurtful remark, I will go and slink off and ask God to forgive me instead.  I will let him worry about the other person.  I will let Him do the judging--after all He has all the facts--I do not.  I will ask Him to forgive me, to heal me, to make me a better friend, or better yet, just a kinder person.  I will ask Him to make me more like Him.  Because trust me when I tell you this--I have not been acting anything like my God lately.  And I really do need His forgiveness.

So, this blog has me turning a corner in my life.  A corner that hopefully, prayerfully will lead me into a closer relationship with my God.  One of hope, trust, forgiveness, and love--on my part, not His.  He has already given all that to me.  It is me that needs to do the changing.  So, if I have ever hurt you in any way with my words or my deeds, please forgive me.  Please.


Change my heart Oh God.  

Mom and Dad

Today is my parent's 59th wedding anniversary.  I am very proud of them.  59 years is a huge accomplishment.  I've sent them a card and some beautiful flowers but I wish that I was there to take them to dinner or doing something else just a little bit special for them.

My parents married young.  My mother was only 17 when she married my father and he was only 21--3  years later I came along and then 2 years later, my sister joined our little family.  So there we were a family of 4, small and yet we came with a huge extended family, most of whom lived not more than a couple of hours away.

Although I only lived with my parents for the first 18 years of my life, I got to know them pretty well.  Yes, I was there through the toughest years of their marriage, because isn't it true that for all married couples those first 10 years or so aren't all smooth sailing.  I'll be the first to admit to that truth.  There's the getting to know you stage, the I'm finally comfortable with you stage, the compromising stage and oh so much more.  And sprinkled all through those stages are the trials and tribulations of raising children, financial struggles and just plain ol' growing up.

I was there for that first part.  I watched as they worked out their differences.  I was there when they began their ascent into adulthood.  I was there to watch and learn life's lessons on finances, love, forgiveness, friendship, family, and home.  They were my parents and it was their job to teach, train and equip me for the future.

I'm thankful for the parents that God blessed me with.  I learned so much living with them.  About God mostly, and the importance of listening to His voice.  Oh, I learned other things too, but mostly I learned about God.  My folks did not become Christians until they were in their late 20's.  I was 6 years old, and I remember everything.  I remember the drastic changes that took place in our home at that time--that precise moment in time--when everything changed in the blink of an eye.  I believe that my little heart was spared that day--when God came into our home.  Everything became new, wonderful, safe, warm.

I think that if someone were to ask me to think of one thing--just one--to thank my parents for--it would be the gift of Christianity, that's how important it is to me.  This relationship with God is the strongest relationship I have.  It encompasses so much of who I am and who I've become as an adult.  And I owe this to my parents.  For me, it was the gift of life.

So happy anniversary Mom and Dad, and thank you for--well, for everything, for becoming Christians, for having children, for staying together, for loving each other, and for loving God.  I love you both so much.

My father and mother

My Silly Valentine

I am a sap.  Plain and simple.  I love Valentine's Day and all that goes along with it.  Candles, dinners, cards and gifts, flowers, love and secret little smiles.  I love it all.  I am fortunate.  I have one and have had one for almost 40 years.  He's mine, all mine and I love him more every day.  And even though there are some that would berate this made-up little non-holiday holiday, I still love it and I will defend it until I no longer have my own Valentine.  It's one day a year that for no other reason than I love him, I can buy a card and gift that just says I love you.  I can make a special meal and light candles and make a fire and turn on soft romantic music and I can get away with it.  There are no ulterior motives on this day--no, I do it all for love.  I do it just because.  Just because--he brings me coffee every morning, just because he constantly helps me out around the house, just because he listens to me, just because he's always there for me, just because he really is my best friend.

It's a sweet day--a day of romance.  But--but, what if you no longer had a Valentine?  What if your Valentine had passed away?  Such is the case of my good friend.  She is now a widow, with only her memories and her pictures to keep her sweet days of Valentine's past.  And that's who I thought of today.  I can imagine the pain in her eyes as everyone smiles and wishes each other a Happy Valentine's Day.  And it hurts my heart.  I am sure that if you asked her, she would tell you--I just want one more day with him.  Just one more day to tell him again that I love him.  It makes me cry just to think about it.  If I could I would have given her an extra special hug today.  I know she is thinking of her husband and missing him.

So why write a blog about Valentine's Day?  Why not!  Why not let the one person in this world know how much you love and care about them?  Why not show them with small gestures or gifts that they are special?  Why not thank them for loving you?  I know that I am not the easiest person to live with, so I am especially grateful for the man I married--poor thing!  He got stuck with me!  It's a good thing I am funny or he just might have ditched me a long time ago!

Valentine's Day--make the most of it.  Make a grand gesture.  Show that one special person in your life how much you love them.  Make it the best one ever--because you never know--it just might be your last.  And that my friend, would break my heart.

the love of my life

I Want You To Know

I can tell you right now that you are going to be embarrassed when you read this blog.  However, it's important to me that I share my feelings, that I share my life and that I share my love for you.  Today is our 38th wedding anniversary.  I am so proud of that fact.  38 years, no regrets, no separations, and no talk of divorce.  38 years of living with the same man--the good (most all good), the bad and the happy and the sad.  38 years of--of what exactly?  Should I tell the truth though?  Should I spill the beans?  Should I water it down a little or just be plain truthful and honest?  It would go completely against my personality and character to be anything but honest.  So, I will let others (those who read my blog) in on a little secret.

You are the most awesome person I know--yes, you are.  You are honest and funny, generous and sweet, you are tender-hearted and strong all at the same time.  I can truly say--I have been blessed beyond measure.  I married the man that other women only dream about.  And even after 38 years of marriage I still get excited when you walk through the door in the evenings.  And even after 38 years of marriage, I would rather be with you than any other person on this earth.

I know that some people might have their doubts.  Some might not believe me, and that's OK, because the people who know us well, really know us--they know that I'm telling the truth.  Think about it for just a minute--when have you ever been able to hide anything from your children?  They see it all, they've experienced life with us as parents and know us very well.  And our children will be the first to say--my mom doesn't lie, she speaks the truth.  My dad really is like that, he is truly a great man of God.  So, it's important for me to share how I feel about you as a person because that's how I really see you--as a man who loves God, who prays, who cares for others, who has a heart for the poor, and who gives generously.  You are a man whom I respect, and you are a man whom I trust with my life.

I want my grandchildren to know you and to see what I see in you.  I want them to understand that yes, people can and do fall deeply in love and stay together through it all.  I want them to see that people can and do respect each other and that they don't cheat or lie or leave.  That they stay because they are honorable.  That they stay because they are committed--not only to their wives but to their God.  That they make a covenant on their wedding day--a vow, one that cannot, one that should not ever be broken.  And I want them to see--that is who their grandfather is--he is a man of honor.

Like I said--I know that this is going to really embarrass you.  You have often warned me not to brag too much about you or about our relationship.  You worry that out of jealousy others will say mean or hurtful things to or about me.  And I understand that but this is a very special day.  Today we are celebrating 38 years of marriage.  And to me, that is quite an accomplishment.  However, just to appease you, I'll be even a little bit more honest.  You see, years ago when we were first starting out there were times that were very hard.  It seems that with common life struggles came sometimes that put pressure on us as a couple.  For example; just having children, dealing with illnesses, struggling with finances, paying for private schooling, teenagers, college tuitions, weddings, buying houses, moving across the nation--just to name a few--those were some major stressors.  And yes, sometimes we did argue, we did butt heads, we did get frustrated with life.   But, we always had each other to lean on, to talk things out with, to run things by, to pray with--we always had each other.  We didn't have to go it alone.  And for that, I am very thankful.

Today I want to let you know that you've never let me down.  And that I love you more than my own life.  I thank God every day that you married me and that you wanted me and that you love me.  I want you to know that I am looking forward to another 38 years with you--or more!  Today I want to let you know that I have never ever met or even heard of another man who has been a better husband or father than you.  I have never ever met another man who has been a better friend or confidant.  Today I want to say thank you--for being my closest friend and for loving me.

Happy 38th-anniversary babe--I love you with my whole heart.

Pinning

You heard me.  Pinning.  Here a pin, there a pin, everywhere a pin pin.  It's my newest addiction in my self-diagnosed addictive personality disorder.  It's called Pinterest.  In other words, you pin your interests to an imaginary bulletin board.  Don't argue with me--it is imaginary and you know it.  It's not real, not any more real than this blog is real unless you were to actually print it out.  You see, it's completely on the internet.  It's part of the web, the part that entangles you and sucks you in and uses up all of your valuable or in my case not so valuable time.  And suck me in it did.  I love it.

I'll take a bit of space here and describe it to you.  If you haven't heard of it--you are by now saying what???  And if you have heard of it but aren't into it--maybe this will help explain it a little better and then you'll want to get into it.  Or if you are reading this way off in the distant future, well then, you'll get a good laugh out of this.

OK, here goes.  Imagine a huge bulletin board--in say, a classroom.  And on this board you have boxes.  Let's say you have 20.  So, you'd have a 4x5 looking area and with each box, you give it a label.  One might for example say--products I love, or things I want to do, or places I want to go or funny sayings.  Get it?  So, imagine yourself cutting pictures out of magazines and using a pin (see?) you'd then affix it to said board--within it's proper box.

Now, what makes this website so alluring is the fact that you can see other peoples boards!  Oh the excitement!!!  When your friends post pictures on their boards of recipes or design ideas the real excitement (ok--hyperventilation) begins to build.  You then have the ability (or privilege) to repin their picture!  Can you imagine?  There you looking through hundreds if not thousands of pictures of stuff.  Lots and lots of good stuff.  Everything you can think of is now at your fingertips.  I especially like the quotes--some of them are fantastic!  It's fun, it's addictive, it's delightful.  What more can I say!

Thus, Pinterest was born.  It's a way to share with others things you love or love to do.  Things you eat or wish you could.  Places you've gone or places you want to go.  It's freaking awesome!  And, I love it.  It's a computer geeks dream come true.

So, if you are ever wondering what I'm up to, as in why hasn't she blogged in a few days, well, chances are I am pinning.  Or looking at other peoples pins.  Or thinking about pinning.  Or wanting to pin.

I have only been on Pinterest for 3 weeks.  I have 26 boards, and almost 400 pins.  Trust me when I tell you that it is fun.  Oh, and happy pinning!

Click on that red word Pinterest--I dare you--I double dog dare you!