I can't seem to get a certain song out of my head. I wake up hearing it and go to sleep hearing it. I used to sing it in church. It's an older song, not quite a hymn, but similar.
A little background for you. In churches, they often hold retreats. It could be a women's retreat, a youth retreat, etc. I hate them. Kind of. I actually met my husband on one. I went to retreats as a teenager and also as an adult. They were, I admit, sometimes monumental moments in my life. As mentioned, I met my husband at one.
Over the years, I ended up at a few. I have memories of them all. However, here is what I don't like. Remember, I am persnickety. I don't like sharing a room with four other women on bunk beds and listening to them snore. I don't like large bathrooms with many showers. And, probably my biggest complaint is that I don't like the food, as most of it is geared towards teenagers. And we all know what their pallit is like.
However, every so often, I signed up and went along with a hundred or so other women to these retreats. I went counting down the hours until I could go home and be with my husband and kids. I did not realize at the time that God had a very specific reason for me attending. He had a plan.
At a retreat one year, we sang a song that brought back memories. It was the song I mentioned earlier. The name of it was "I surrender all". Heard of it?
As I sang along with my friends, I began to hear something else. There were sentences in between the stanzas that didn't belong there. For example, as we sang the words of I surrender all,
I heard, but don't take my kids. Again, the words, I surrender all, but don't take my husband. This went on and on throughout the entire song until I was in tears. God had brought to my attention that I had not surrendered all to him; I was only surrendering what was easy and convenient to me.
If you are not a Christian, you might not understand this concept at all. God asks for total surrender. We are supposed to rely on him for everything. Total trust, we offer it all to him.
I had a decision to make that day. Do I or don't I surrender all to God? Well, you know who I chose. It really was a life-changing time for me. That day, I surrendered it all. So, this morning it got me thinking—what about this day? Today. Do I still surrender all? I had to think and pray about this for a bit. As the song kept playing over and over in my head, I asked myself, "Do I?" I was no longer mad at God for taking my grandson. I was healing quite well and feeling almost back to my old self. However, was I surrendering to him? This is what I've brought before God this morning. Have I fully surrendered? Do I trust him with my future? Am I afraid that something bad is around the corner? Am I strong enough to withstand it?
These are the things I am grappling with today. Have I once again surrendered all? I'll let you know.
